Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Since yesterday

Ha, you wouldn't believe it, I got on the scales this morning and they read 82.2, which is another 400g down from yesterday.

How cool would it be if we could actually lose 400g a day, weight loss would be a piece of cake. I think I might need to change my weigh in days to Wednesday, I always seem to weigh less on a Wednesday than a Monday or Tuesday lol.

[the rest of this post is long, will possibly not make sense, and most likely be grammatically abhorrent, but is something I need to spill out of my brain and examine in words - feel free to skip if if mindless musings are not your thing]

Lately I have been examining lots of things in my life. I have been giving my personal power over to other people for too long, and I have been feeling the need to reestablish myself, assert my strengths, and truly believe in what I stand for.

This whole process has taken me months, it started early this year after a particularly harrowing holiday with my husband. His behaviour towards me at that time was truly despicable, he treated me with complete disdain, he belittled me, and he blamed me for all of our problems. And it pissed me off!

I posted briefly about it when we returned from the holiday, but I was still in a stage of believing him, over listening to myself and making my own decision. So my post doesn't really do justice to my feelings at the time. I can tell you I was seething! I felt so much anger and hurt I was light headed, I felt like I was seeing things through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars, everything looked so far away, and so fuzzy, all I could see was a red haze of anger. But for the last eleven years I have been at home with my kids, with no income, and in his eyes no power, and constantly being told in one way or another that I had no power, made me believe it. His constant response to anything I complained about was "you can leave any time you want".

I know there are heaps of people who would have left, and would think the worst of me for staying. But I stayed. But it got me thinking, and it got me searching, and it woke me up. The last six months have had their moments. Some of them difficult, some of them enlightening. I feel that I have grown more in the last six months than I have in the last fifteen years.

Our relationship has changed so much. I have stopped taking shit from him, and he has started to show more respect for me. Why oh why couldn't I have worked this out earlier. This year for the first time ever he bought me a birthday present before my actual birthday, and he planned another present that he needed my input on! This has always been a major thing for me, as I always make sure birthdays are special occasions for all of the people close to me, and yet it had never been done for me since he married me.

I feel such a sense of content right now, a real rightness about things in my life. I know that I will lose the weight this time, it is happening, and will continue to happen. I have found a self respect that has been missing. I am feeling creative, and excited about things, even my vision seems clearer. Its amazing.

I have recently begun learning to read tarot cards. In my learning I have done a lot of readings for myself and the cards that fall are cards of such positivity and power, they all point to an inner strength, a sense of rightness in my choices. It amazes me what I am seeing. For a long time I thought my problems were caused by outside sources, but I can see that the worst enemy I have is myself, I am the only one stopping me from achieving my dreams, and for too long I have let fear and guilt make my choices.

It feels so good to be making choices from a position of strength and optimism again. I will turn 40 next year, and I have never felt so good in my entire life.


Mia Goddess said...

Good on ya, Joc! Nobody can look at somebody else's relationship and pretend to know what's going on, it's just too complicated what occurs between two people. However, it's obvious that you've made some huge realizations for yourself, and I couldn't be happier for you! He's a lucky guy, and it's about time he's showing you that he knows it.

Lynne said...

What a great post. It's so awesome that you're feeling so strong right now. Isn't it amazing how mind and body/body and mind are so interconnected? But when you get them both going on the right track, it's incredible what we can do as human beings!
Keep on, joc! You're totally inspiring!

Cinders said...

Well done for taking a stand. I hope your continue to grow and strengthen. Have a happy Xmas xx

LisaB said...

Hi Joc,
I have been looking for you ever since you left a comment on my blog :) And I'm glad I found you. What a fantastic post...and I found I could relate to it quite a bit. Good luck with this new year.

Brandi said...

Well, I'm thrilled to see that it got better, can't wait to see how it goes ...