Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Pass me a bucket...

Did my first HIIT session this morning. Now I know I am a bit out of shape for running, but I did not realise just how much till about 7.00am this morning when I completed my third minute of HIIT. Three down one to go, pass me a bucket PLEEAASE!

The fourth minute was sheer hell, admittedly I really pushed myself hard, after all it is only four minutes, and what is the point if you are only doing it half heartedly. I continued walking for another twenty minutes afterward, and it took about ten of those before I felt I wasnt about to throw up.

So it has begun. Now if I could get my head around the eating I would be well on the way, but I was so exhausted for the rest of the day I just ate whatever came to hand without much effort. More planning needs to be done for my next HIIT day which will be on Thursday.

An hour of Karate training tonight, a half hour walk in the morning and two hours of bowling, and twenty minutes of pilates tomorrow will cover my exercise for the next fortyeight hours.

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

What am I afraid of?

I have been trying to work out what it is that makes me keep eating, what is my payoff? I have some ideas floating around about what they might be, although nothing is really concrete yet.

All my life I have been terrified of rejection, of not being good enough. I dont really know why, maybe I never will, my parents were normal, my childhood was normal, I have no really good reasons for why I felt this way that I can think of, but still I do.

I remember in high school my best friend was very popular with the opposite sex, they liked to talk with me and have a joke, but they wanted to be her boyfriend. I never felt I was as good as her, to me she was always pretty, confident all that I wanted to be. She on the other hand struggled with her own issues that I never knew about until we were in our twenties, she had been bulimic for a lot of her teenage years trying to lose weight. Who knew? Not me, I always thougth she had it all. She obviously did not.

I remember some of her ex boyfriends starting to pay attention to me after they broke up, up front I felt flattered, but underneath I was seething with the thought that I was only ever second best, and why were they only interested after things had not worked out with my friend.

I always wanted to be someones favourite, someones first choice, and it never happened. I have never broken up with anyone, I have always been the one who is left, never the leaver. I wonder if deep down my fear of being left stemmed from thinking that I was not good enough, and that it would not be long before others worked this out then walked out on me. I wonder if I have justified over eating and being over weight with the thought that they will leave me at some stage anyway, so if I am fat they will just leave sooner, that way I dont have to prolong the agony. Lets just get the rejection happening, and get the pain over and done with, pass me the ice cream....

Friday, June 3, 2005

Unplannned... thats me

Apologies devoted reader I have neglected you again LOL. Life just seems to be busy right now, weight loss is going nowhere, and I have nothing exciting or insightful to say. Am currently working my way through Dr Phils Seven Keys, very interesting reading. I know I am getting the exercise and the planned eating right these days, but it is the unplanned stuff, the emotional eating that is really stuffing me around. With Dr Phil I will get my head around it before too long and then my life will be free from food issues forever YAY.

Dont you love my positivity! With an attitude like this I cant fail.