Tuesday, August 16, 2005


God it is amazing, I cant explain how it feels, but I just feel so proud. Let me explain.

On Saturday I went to Karate training, and trained hard. Afterwards my son came racing over to me while I was talking with someone saying "Sensei wants to talk to you about grading" I naturally assumed it was about my sons grading as he was scheduled to go on Sunday, but no. Sensei decided I am ready to grade. I was so shocked, and immediately the nerves took over. I spent the whole night doing my kata in my sleep LOL I could not think about anything else much all day. Arriving at the grading hall I just felt sick...

You see I only graded to yellow belt eight weeks ago, and I have only done fourteen classes since then, everyone else lined up to grade in my group all have at least a months more experience than me, I felt like I was in the wrong place.

Any way I lined up, took a deep breath and decided to put in my best effort, and if I did not make it, I could at least know I had given it my best shot, so I did.

And I made it. I am now officiall 7th kyu, Orange belt. And I am so proud of myself. I feel like I have been walking on air for the last two days, and it feels so good. I cant wait to go to training tonight and put on my new belt for the first time. Imagine how good it must feel to get your black belt, if orange feels like this.

This is the first time in years that I have done anything totally for myself like this. Karate is starting to take over my life, but in such a good way. I automatically think of taking care of my body so that I can continue to improve in my training. I try to apply the discipline I need for training to other areas of my life and work. Our sensei once said that Karate is not just a martial art, but a way of life, and we all nodded wisely... but now I think I am beginning to understand.

So today I am proud of me.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Done, like a dinner

I finally pulled my finger out and finished my assignment. It is the last one for this unit, and it is late. So now I anxiously wait for a reply from my tutor to see if he will accept it, or if I fail the entire unit and have to do it again. I will be kind of pissed if I do, but really have no one to blame but myself. It was one of those things that I just kept putting off, I felt uncertain about how to do it and left it as long as possible before starting. I dont think the work I have submitted is that great either, but it should be enough to get me a pass.

I feel a certain sense of freedom now that it is done, it is like it is no longer pressing down on my conscience and nagging me... a bit like my mothers voice when I was a teenager. The difference now is that I am the one who is doing the nagging, even to myself LOL. I just seem to keep rebelling against myself. I have so much to do to finish this course, I have only completed two subjects, I am going to apply for RPL on the next one, then there is only one I can do that is flexible. After that I actually have to go back to school!! Next year I will be attending classes at the CIT (TAFE to NSW people) and having deadlines for assignments and things. I might even have to do group work, which does not thrill me as it does not really sit well with quality family time. I think I am a bit scared about going to the school for classes, I am so out of the whole study loop, plus most of the people I will be studying with will be almost twenty years younger than me.

I am getting closer to forty years of age, and I still have those horrible feelings of not fitting in with the crowd, people laughing at me or thinking I am not cool. My whole life I have struggled with this, and I have let it become an excuse for not following through, not finishing things. When does this kind of stuff get easier? When will I be old enough to not care what other people think or say about me? Defitely time to grow a thicker skin.

I dont say this to many people, but I am so afraid of failing at things, that often I will not even start them in the first place, or else I start them, then I procrastinate about doing any more. It pisses my man off big time. He hates that I just dont do anything. He often says I do nothing. He says he would rather I do something, even if it does not work out, becasue it is a whole lot better than doing nothing. We are so different in so many ways sometimes I wonder why we ever found each other attractive. I guess opposites do attract.

He is totally pissing me off this week. I know there is a lot of pressure on him about work and all, but he puts more pressure on himself that he really does not need to. And the money thing, yes it is nice to have a good salary coming in, but for God's sake, we were quite happy and able to cope financially twenty thousand dollars ago, so if he has to take a cut and go back twenty thousand to achieve a contentment in his job and his life, I just wish he would do it. I would rather he was happy and we owed a little more on the mortgage, than have him feel like all he does is work, and that his life just sucks. It is hard to help him when he wont help himself.

Well this post has turned into a big whinge hasn't it!! But then again this is my blog, and I can whinge if I want to.

On another note, I read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince yesterday, another very good reason not to do my assignment. I thought it was much better than the Order of the Phoenix, which dragged a bit for my liking. HBP was much lighter than its predecessor, although, lacking a little in storyline I felt. I guess it is kind of hard to keep the momentum going for seven books. Especially with the pressure JKRowling must have been feeling with all of the die hard fans hanging on every snippet of information about what will happen next. I will admit I scour the HP sites hoping for a crumb to keep me going until the next part of the story comes out, and even though I have not enjoyed the last two books as much as the first four, I am still hanging out to find out what happens to all my favourite characters in the end.

The only real dissapointment to me is that once you have finished thats it, there is no more until the next book is released in another year or two. I love to read, and I devour books fairly quickly, then I wish I had taken it slower and been able to enjoy it for just that bit longer. It happens with all good books that I read. I also find it hard to not read a book that I have started, even if it sucks, same with TV, once I start I just have to find out what happens, even if it is total tripe in the end. There must be some real flaw in my personality that I will continue to read a book or watch a move that I dont even like! Its a bit like how I stay friends with people I dont like too. Why do I do that? Sometimes I dont want to hurt their feelings, but other times I dont know what it is, maybe I am just too lazy to even bother with telling someone to piss off, and then have to deal with the fall out.

I know that I dont do conflict well, it is something that I have discussed many times with my best friend, my youngest sister, we will call her Lucy. Lucy and I have both confided that we never remember our parents fighting, and that we get overly concerned when we are in a fight ourselves. When I argue with my man I am very defensive, I lose track of the argument, and I just cant think of any reply to things he says. If he accuses me of something I get all hurt and back into a corner, and he keeps goading me until I explode and say things that I dont even mean or think about. When I reply I just grab at words, some of them not even true, but I feel so angry and I dont know how to express that anger to him. It does not help that he is very volatile, so as soon as he hears something that lights his fuse he just comes back at me so strong. I have known for years that he has a foul temper, and that he loves to unleash his anger and shout me down, and I have never learned how to deal with it. Shouting back does not seem to help, he just shouts louder, and saying nothing and trying to walk away does not work either, he follows until he feels finished. When things are the other way around and I am cranky, he walks away and tells me to leave him alone. Why is he allowed to do that and I am not? The balance of power is definitely tilted in his favour when we argue, and I dont know how to change that.

Well I think I have ranted long enough now. Time to go and do something ... anything...

Monday, August 8, 2005

So much time so little change

Well I am officially still at 77kg, which is where I was when I started my re start program over a month ago. So I have not gotten very far with my weight loss. On other aspects of life in general I have been working more often, which has been great, I always wanted to be a stay at home mum, but the reality of it is just not what I envisioned. I never thought I would find it so boring. There are moments which are fantastic, and I love that. But at other times I just long to have something a little more challenging or rewarding.

I am sure that anyone who is forced to return to work after having children finds a comment like the last one distasteful, as I probably would have if the shoe was on the other foot, but for me lately it is true. My youngest is about to turn four, and is quite self sufficient and able to entertain herself quite adequately without even resorting to TV. I know that motherhood is supposed to be the most rewarding job on the planet, but it is not always true. There are moments of true joy, moments of sheer exhiliration even, but more often there are moments of despair, how will I ever mould these little people into worthwhile human beings with all my human failings, and there are those moments when you wonder, why do I even bother?

This is made worse by being partnered with a fairly unsupportive mate. He thinks all things to do with child rearing that are sort of distasteful are my responsibility. He also thinks my life is so cushy, and that I sit around all day entertaining myself. Well I do a bit only because the boredom would kill me otherwise... Last Friday we had a child free evening, so went out for dinner together, he managed to make me feel really good by telling me that he appreciates so much what I do, and knows that he could never do it as well as I do (ie looking after the sproglets), then he starts going on at me about all of my past failures, about how I dont do enought with my "talents" God knows which ones he is referring to, to make money or improve my lot in life.

He does not understand, and never has, that there are a few little issues for me. 1. Confidence - I dont feel that I can do it, I dont feel I have the knowledge or the contacts to do it. 2. TIME - when the hell am I supposed to do it??? Six hours of my day I have three children underfoot, six hours I have one, he does nothing around the house to help out, so all household stuff gets done by me or not at all, and some days I am just too tired to make any huge forays into becoming a self made millionaire.

So anyway there is just a part of my bitch about HIM. He is also giving me grief all of a sudden about the work I do. Currently I do about one day a fortnight clerical duties for my boss, which involves going to his home office to invoice and pay bills and other general office duties. The rest of the time I work from home transcribing interviews (we do mostly medico legal investigations). As the year progresses I hope to be doing more clerical stuff as well as continuing the transcribing. Now it is not brain surgery, doesnt require too much effort, but the pay is OK and I can take my four year old with me to work so I am not paying for childcare yet. Next year I will work three days a week while she is in preschool, so there will be a little bit of money coming out of my wages there, but then she is in school so all my earnings are used for the good of the family (and the good of my wardrobe too LOL). So as far as I can see I currently have the dream job, work around my kids and not pay childcare, my sisters would kill for this kind of job, so why is he so negative.

He needs to take a chill pill. And so do I now, enough of my rant, I feel strangely better now. :-))