Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Changing gears

Well things have been a bit woe is me here lately, time to shift up. I have actually had a few good things going on to, I just have been over focussed on the bad things.

Have I told you I have my own personal life coach?

Well Rach is training to be a life coach, and I am one of her guinea pigs, but you know it is the best guinea pig experience I have ever had. She is just great, and I am sure she will be a really successful life coach in the future. Her business is called In The Groove, feel free to check out her MSN space, and if you are interested in having a life coach, it is well worth talking to her.

She has recently completed some courses, (dont ask me to explain what they are about because I cant remember the details) and one of them specialised in NLP Neural Linguistic Programming?? anyway my take in it is using techniques to change habits in a nutshell. So she need some practice, and I was willing to work with her.

Guess what?? It works! We have kilos, and I do mean kilos of chocolate in our house at the moment, I have been stressing about it as it really is one of my weaknesses. After working through the process with Rachael I can now honestly say, that I can take or leave chocolate. I have been able to minimise the appeal of chocolate so much, that I am confident that those kilos of chocolate will still be sitting on the shelf in my cupboard until the kids and DH decide to eat them.

My mouth used to water just hearing the word chocolate, now, I dont even give it a second thought. Feeling good, one down x to go!

I have also been successful in walking for half an hour everyday this week since Friday. I did not walk today, as I have a funny cramping feeling in the centre of my chest, I think I have strained a muscle (strangely enough it happened when i was yawning), so I am going to try some stretching this evening and see how it is tomorrow, my guess is it will be gone.

Feeling a bit creative today, so maybe I will go and do some scrapping tonight instead of watching mind numbingly boring television.


Monday, May 29, 2006

Getting the ball rolling

I have done lots of thinking over the last few days, funny what thinking you might have cancer will do to you. Sadly I have not come up with all of the answers for all of the woes of the world, but I have come up with some for me.

I am determined more than ever now that I need to change my life. I need to lose weight, I need to become fitter, I need to put myself as a priority.

This last one flies in the face of all that I ever believed being a good mother was. I always had this idea that my kids must come first in all things, and that I could do with second best as long as they were happy. But you know what? It just is not working for me. I feel so drained of whatever it was that made me, ME.

It is like the best of me is gone, it has all been invested into my kids, and because it has not been topped up in me, I am empty. So now I am becoming the worst kind of parent, I am apathetic, I am disinterested, I feel guilty all the time that I dont give them the attention they deserve.

So that is the problem. What is the solution you ask? Well I am not entirely sure to be honest, but baby steps will be involved, and putting myself first will feature heavily in the plan.

This week the first baby step is that I will go for my walk each day, even if it is only for fifteen minutes, and everyone else in the house can just wait for that fifteen to thirty minutes before having their needs seen to, and I will not feel guilty about it! :-)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Wake up call

Thankfully the tests have come back clear. I am relieved.

It has made me think though, what if they hadn't, what if I really had breast cancer?

There is still so much in my life that I want to do, some days I don’t make myself get up off my lazy arse and do the things I should, and the things I want. How badly would I feel about that if I knew my days could be numbered. (Well I know they are numbered anyway, its just how high the number is that counts)

Anyway it has got me thinking about the time that I waste on things that don’t make me happy, the money I waste on things I don’t really want or need (how sad is that), and the quality of the time I have. I don’t want to waste another ten years feeling fat and frumpy and totally sick of myself. I don’t want to waste another ten years wondering if I could get my business ideas into a working form. I don’t want to waste another ten years without connecting properly with my family and friends.

Its time to wake up!!

I want to live, not just exist.

Thanks to those who commented and emailed, your thoughts were very much appreciated :-)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


All my life I have been afraid of the spectre of breast cancer. My Aunt found out she had breast cancer when I was very young, in fact I cant remember her from before that time. She was in her thirties and was pregnant with her second child. She died in her mid forties after fighting the disease for more than ten years. She was my mothers eldest sister. My great grandmother, my grandmother and my great Aunt also had breast cancer, although none of them died due to it. I have always regularly done self exams, and have lived with the thought that one day it could be me. Each time someone high profile is diagnosed, especially when they are as young or younger than me it gives me chills.

So you can imagine how I felt when I found a lump last week.

I have just come back from having a mammogram and ultrasound. I don't have the results yet, that will be tomorrow afternoon after 2pm.

Surprisingly I am very calm, I have been vigilant, as soon as I found something I went to have it checked out, so I know if this is it, then I have caught it early.

So right now all I can do is wait.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Holiday update

Finally back. The camping was great, the weather held out and we had a fantastic time. I decided I was not going to sit on the beach fully dressed worrying about how fat I might look if I put on my swimmers, and I just jumped on in. I am so glad I did.

For so many years now thats what I have been doing, going to the beach fully dressed, and sitting on the sand minding the towels while the kids get in the water. I am sick of that. It is my own fault that I am in the shape I am in, but there is no need to punish myself futher by depriving myself of an activity I enjoy just because I am worried about what other people will think about how I look. That doesn't mean I was totally comfortable with it - I wasnt, but I tried to forget about that and just have fun. And I did.

I had almost forgotten how much I love to get in the ocean. We took snokelling gear as we were camped at a perfect spot for it, and it was awesome. So many fish and corals, just so much to see. I ended up staying in for over an hour, the water was warm, even though it was Mid April and half way through Autumn, and the sun was shining. I took me back to a time in my life when I was truly happy.

Then in the afternoon we went to the surf beach and I spent a couple of hours catching waves with the kids and the DH. Magic. I had forgotten how good it feels to catch the perfect wave and ride it all the way to the shore. I just regret the number of years I have denied myself this fun.

Unfotunately it was not all roses - the DH again took it upon himself to have a tantrum and take the shine off the holiday just a little bit. It makes me so cranky when he does this. His tantrums are nearly always over something small, but his reactions are big. So big that sometimes the argument can continue for days - I kid you not, we have experienced one where he did not speak a single word to me for a week. If that was one of the kids they would be in big trouble, but for some reason he is "allowed" to do it and we should all just accept it.

Easter morning should have been heaps of fun with the kids, we had everything planned to hide the eggs and do an egg hunt with them when he upped and stomped off to the beach on his own. Thankfully the other family who were with us were happy to go on without him, so my youngest DD still had her egg hunt (she is only four) while James (10) followed his father to the beach. By the afternoon all was well again, but it still bugs me that he does it. He even joked about it later how everyone knows he is a grumpy sod, but that is not fair. He is an adult, he should learn not to inflict his grumpies on other people like that, especially when it has the potential to ruin a special day for one of the kids.

Still we continued on our holidays, we went to Sydney to stay with my parents for a week and play tourist around Sydney. The first two days were fantastic, then it all went to sh*t and we spent the next two days in stony silence. Again a tantrum about something minor, that was blown completely out of proportion. It would not be so bad, but he gets enraged, he yells, or if we are somewhere he can be overheard yelling, he does this venomous muttering. He is hurtful, unfair and far too angry - and I hate it.

Sadly for him it backfired slightly on him this time, as we then spent an entire day at my parents, and my mum and dad were able to see what he can be like, and I had an entire day with my mum able to chat and talk about things. For the first time I was able to tell her a bit more about what he can be like when he gets like this, and she could see it for herself - not that he was rude to her or dad, but it was obvious his attitude to me. She and dad ended up by telling me that if things dont improve and I want to leave him they are with me completely. Funny thing is I always knew they would be, but to hear them say it makes it so much more real, and feels so much more supportive.

Since we have been back home I have been keeping a diary of when we argue, and what it was about. I need to take full stock of what the situation is, then make some decicions about my future with him. Funny since I started that he has been on his best behaviour, I think he knows he over stepped the bounds and has been trying to make amends. We will see what happens I guess.

In the mean time I am trying to keep myself busy organising my little/big project. So much to do so little time LOL...