Monday, November 21, 2005

The good, the bad and the ugly

Well the good news is it is not my anterior cruciate ligament causing problems in my knee - YAY

The bad news... it is worse than the anterior cruciate ligament - :-(

The ugly? treatment requires two operations, one to clear out the cartilage and bone fragments floating around in my knee, especially the one that is about 1.5cm in diameter, and to harvest some healthy cartilage cells. The second operation will be about four weeks later, once the lab has grown me a new cartilage using the cells harvested in the first operation, and the new cartilage will be put back in my knee. I will be in hospital for up to four days, then SIX WEEKS on crutches aaarrrgggghhhh. The initial recover is twelve weeks long, then I have another nine to twelve months of rehab before it is considered over.

I seems that I have snapped some cartilage off the patella bone and that is why I still have a lot of pain walking, my bones are rubbing against each other. There is the option of just cleaning up the mess, and moving the bones slightly so that they don't rub, but the surgeon thinks that will lead to osteoarthritis in a few years and eventually a knee replacement. So even though it is a long process, I think the one we are going for is the best option long term.

So I am not a happy camper, although, I am much happier today than I was a few days ago when I first heard the news. Tomorrow I go back to see the surgeon to make the bookings etc and get a time frame. I will be happy once I know when it will all happen as I can then see and end to it.

In the meantime I will keep on losing weight, that should help my recovery as there will be less load bearing on my knee once the operation is done, and I will spend some time making sure I have everything for the start of term ready for next year for the kids, and a huge stash of scrapbooking supplies, as I plan to do lots of scrapping in the six weeks I am house bound after the second op.

As for the po1int counting last week was really good until I got to Friday night - dinner out with girls from school, Saturday - too much wine and cheese with DH after tea, and roast lamb on Sunday which was really really good. The days were goods, but the nights were just a bit over the top. Mind you I weighed in on Friday morning at 79.9, and I am still the same this morning (Monday), so hopefully my diligence through the week has seen me through a few heavy evenings.

So that is my sad saga for the week LOL.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

And the point is...

Well I have done it, I am back on the po1nts again. Three days in and things are going very smoothly. Mind you I have been here so many times it should go smoothly, I should be able to do it in my sleep! As always it is so easy when you first start, and the motivation is running high so it does not seem too hard to get out the tracker and the po1nts counter and make lists about what I eat. I know from experience though that this does not last for long with me.

Most times in the past when I have tracked my po1nts I have been really dedicated for the first three or four weeks, although by week four I am no longer tracking the weekends, then after that I will miss days here and there and just try to remember later what I ate. This works for me for about six to eight weeks, then the weight loss stalls or stops, I get discouraged and everthing turns to crap. I know the system works, the thing that does not work is me.

I have long had a problem with finishing things. I start heaps of projects, but never seem to finish anything much. The things that I do finish usually get done in a rush at the last minute, like assignments, or birthday/Christmas projects - will someone please remind me that homemade Christmas cards are never going to happen in my house and the time and energy I put in to creating them will be more than balanced out by the time and energy put into repressing the frustration I feel when they are not looking just perfect, and it is the day before Christmas as they go into the post!

Mia wrote a great post about being a perfectionist, and how she never saw herself as one because, well look in the mirror, how can that person with the unstyled hair and smudged makeup and messy house be a perfectionist? Well I get that completely, because that is me in many ways too. I learned a lot about myself after immersing myself in the Flylady site, I learned that a perfectionist does not always look like we perfectionist think they do. The biggest perfectionist giveaway for me is the procrastination - I put things off because I know I want them done a certain way, I have a certain image of how they should be, but I also dont know how to make them that way, or dont want to fail in my attempts to make them that way. This leads to putting things off, and either never doing them, or doing a last minute rush job that is totaly disappointing to me in its entirety. I also find that once I am on the home straight with a task, it is never as hard as I thought it would be, then I beat myself up about procrastinating for so long before starting.

The whole weight loss thing for me has been similar. I put it off until I am crying with frustration at being so fat. I fuss and fart around with ideas about this program, or this pill or whatever, but deep down inside I KNOW that eating right and exercising are the only ways to do it. And I put it off a bit longer thinking it is going to be so hard... then I start, things are going smoothly and I think this is not so bad, then I loose some weight, get complacent, or bored, or impatient or (insert other appropriate word, you know we have all done it...), stop doing what I should and bam - the fat comes back.

Then I spend the next few months going through it all again - what is with that? Then I beat myself up about the previous failures, I say to myself if I only stuck with it last spring when I started, I would now be at my goal weight, wearing clothes that fit nicely, running regularly, feeling fit and healthy and happy.

So sometimes I ask my self what is the point?

The point is... I am 38, I have three kids, one DH, and my life is probably half lived. That means there is still a half to go and given that I have not done that much with the first half, I want the second half to mean something. I want my kids to grow up thinking I am someone special (aside from being their mother of course) I want to be around to see them grow up, to see my grandchildren (if I get any) to travel with DH. I want to live a long and healthy life, and die knowing I lived life, instead of sat on my backside watching life go by. And most of all I dont want to lose this weight when I am really old then look back and regret all of the other things I could have had if only I had not procrastinated about it for so long, and if only I had stuck with it and finished it when I was 38.

The first step - count the po1nts.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005


I had my first physiotherapy appointment today, and I was kind of dreading it, but... it was great. My physio Tony is brilliant, he went through and showed me a model of a knee and what was going on inside, he assured me that I am not going to do more damage now, even if it hurts a little, he went through everything. I was really impressed with him.

Best of all by the time I finished I was walking much better, and have now got much more flexibility in my knee. He has given me a few exercises to practice to build up the strength in my legs further before I have my surgery and I am determined to do them as often as I can.

On the down side he said it will probably be about six months before I will be back to karate, but on the plus side he says there is no reason not to go back. He quoted a few instances of people who have successfully returned to their sport of choice following surgery and therapy, and they were full contact sportspeople, so given karate is technically a non contact sport the odds are good.

All in all I was really happy with the appointment and with Tony. So next week I have my MRI, then back to see the surgeon to learn what happens next.

My eating for the last two days has been pretty good. At least until I get to tea time. I think I need to eat a little more during the day to stop me from feeling so ravenous at tea, so I am going to add some more fruit to my plan mid afternoon and see how that goes.

Saturday, November 5, 2005

Meal replacement?

I am thinking about using EasyS1im or OptiS1im or some other meal replacement thing for the next few weeks while I am still not able to exercise. I am spending so much time sitting on my behind these days that I am feeling like I am fatter even though I am not ... yet. So I thought the meal replacement thing might be a good way to keep the calories under control. I will probably only do it on the weekdays, and try and eat normal meals on the weekends as Brett hates those meal replacement things, and thinks I should not do them. Normally I would agree with him, but right now I am desperate, I just dont want to put on heaps of weight while I am waiting for my knee to heal. I also think if I lose a bit more weight it might put less strain on my knee while it is recovering.

Anyway something to think about for the next few days. I am so bored of being in this house anything that takes my mind of things for a while is exciting LOL.

Friday, November 4, 2005

Injury progress

Tomorrow is two weeks since the knee incident and I am still out of action. I can walk now, albeit very slowly, and I am using and old mans walking stick to get around, but it is heaps better than the crutches. So glad I am not having to use them anymore. Today was my first full pain killer free day YAY. I will probably still need to take something before bed as sleeping is still a little sore.

A visit to the orthapaedic surgeon on Wednesday (my birthday) revealed that it is more likely the anterior cruciate ligament than the medial, which needs surgery to be fixed. The surgeon has me going to the physiotherapist next week... not looking forward to the pain that will involve, then I am off for an MRI the following week, then back to see the surgeon for the verdict. His current view is that I will probably need an arthroscopy (sp?) to check out the damage and repair, yuck! The good thing is it is only day surgery, or one night in hospital, and I should be able to walk out afterwards. Lets hope that is the case anyway, I am not wanting to be on crutches again.

The worst thing about the ortho visit was that he stuck a huge needle in my leg to draw out the accumulated blood, he took out 65ml before I hit him LOL, I did not mean to hit him, it just all of a sudden really hurt and it was a reflex action. The first time he changed the vials over the blood just kept p0uring out and down my leg, he said it was under a lot of pressure. Luckily he was faily good humoured and didnt get upset about my reaction. Not the most wonderful birthday present I ever got...

I am frustrated at the time it is taking to get mobile again, I am sick of asking people to drive me places or pick up my kids or whatever, I just want to be able to do it all myself again. I am also furstrated at the delay in my karate training too. There is no way now that I will get to grading in December like I had hoped. It is probable that James and Jane will both grade then, but I will have to sit and watch. My husband is also making ominous noises about me returning to training full stop. He seems to think that I should not be going back, and that I should forget about karate all together. I am not happy about that at all. I am going to talk to the ortho and the physio and see what they recommend, if they say it is no go, well then that is the end of the story, if they say I am fine to go back to training, then I dont see why I shouldnt. I think there will be a bit of a fight about it at home though.

As for the whole weight loss thing, well it is just not happening right now. I really need to get my head around it or I will end up gaining due to the enforced rest that I am having right now. I have eaten my last family block of comfort chocolate to get me through this thing, I know that was a bad idea, but it is done and gone, and now I need to start eating more healthy food, and taking smaller portions until I can start exercising again. I never thought I would say this but I cant wait until I can run again.