Monday, May 15, 2006

Holiday update

Finally back. The camping was great, the weather held out and we had a fantastic time. I decided I was not going to sit on the beach fully dressed worrying about how fat I might look if I put on my swimmers, and I just jumped on in. I am so glad I did.

For so many years now thats what I have been doing, going to the beach fully dressed, and sitting on the sand minding the towels while the kids get in the water. I am sick of that. It is my own fault that I am in the shape I am in, but there is no need to punish myself futher by depriving myself of an activity I enjoy just because I am worried about what other people will think about how I look. That doesn't mean I was totally comfortable with it - I wasnt, but I tried to forget about that and just have fun. And I did.

I had almost forgotten how much I love to get in the ocean. We took snokelling gear as we were camped at a perfect spot for it, and it was awesome. So many fish and corals, just so much to see. I ended up staying in for over an hour, the water was warm, even though it was Mid April and half way through Autumn, and the sun was shining. I took me back to a time in my life when I was truly happy.

Then in the afternoon we went to the surf beach and I spent a couple of hours catching waves with the kids and the DH. Magic. I had forgotten how good it feels to catch the perfect wave and ride it all the way to the shore. I just regret the number of years I have denied myself this fun.

Unfotunately it was not all roses - the DH again took it upon himself to have a tantrum and take the shine off the holiday just a little bit. It makes me so cranky when he does this. His tantrums are nearly always over something small, but his reactions are big. So big that sometimes the argument can continue for days - I kid you not, we have experienced one where he did not speak a single word to me for a week. If that was one of the kids they would be in big trouble, but for some reason he is "allowed" to do it and we should all just accept it.

Easter morning should have been heaps of fun with the kids, we had everything planned to hide the eggs and do an egg hunt with them when he upped and stomped off to the beach on his own. Thankfully the other family who were with us were happy to go on without him, so my youngest DD still had her egg hunt (she is only four) while James (10) followed his father to the beach. By the afternoon all was well again, but it still bugs me that he does it. He even joked about it later how everyone knows he is a grumpy sod, but that is not fair. He is an adult, he should learn not to inflict his grumpies on other people like that, especially when it has the potential to ruin a special day for one of the kids.

Still we continued on our holidays, we went to Sydney to stay with my parents for a week and play tourist around Sydney. The first two days were fantastic, then it all went to sh*t and we spent the next two days in stony silence. Again a tantrum about something minor, that was blown completely out of proportion. It would not be so bad, but he gets enraged, he yells, or if we are somewhere he can be overheard yelling, he does this venomous muttering. He is hurtful, unfair and far too angry - and I hate it.

Sadly for him it backfired slightly on him this time, as we then spent an entire day at my parents, and my mum and dad were able to see what he can be like, and I had an entire day with my mum able to chat and talk about things. For the first time I was able to tell her a bit more about what he can be like when he gets like this, and she could see it for herself - not that he was rude to her or dad, but it was obvious his attitude to me. She and dad ended up by telling me that if things dont improve and I want to leave him they are with me completely. Funny thing is I always knew they would be, but to hear them say it makes it so much more real, and feels so much more supportive.

Since we have been back home I have been keeping a diary of when we argue, and what it was about. I need to take full stock of what the situation is, then make some decicions about my future with him. Funny since I started that he has been on his best behaviour, I think he knows he over stepped the bounds and has been trying to make amends. We will see what happens I guess.

In the mean time I am trying to keep myself busy organising my little/big project. So much to do so little time LOL...


Zara said...

Sounds like you have some tough decisions to make, but I'm glad your parents are being supportive.

And I'm glad you got to have some ocean fun - real fun. Good for you on not missing out this time! :)

Brandi said...

Very interested to see how this comes out ... and while I'm aching to hop a few months ahead to see what happens, to me that is akin to reading the last page of a novel before the first ... equal to crime for a bookworm such as myself. So here I am, clicking to the next page, LOL.