Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Making Choices

Thanks Jenny and Zanna for you comments, I admire both of you so much, and see you as such strong positive women - you are both my role models (except I don't think I will ever own as many shoes as you Z lol).

There has been lots of talking, lots of thinking and a little angst over the past few days. I decided to go to the christening, and I told DH* that was what I was going to do. He argued a bit, but I didn't back down.

Then I received more emails from my friend, and the content didn't make me happy. They were specifically guilt inducing, which she knows works so well on me, and made me feel manipulated.

So I sat down and really thought about it. I thought about why I should or shouldn't go, I thought about if I had ever treated one of my closest friends the way she has this week. Her email repeatedly said she was cancelling coming to my 40th this weekend because of resentments that she has had for five years, but it is only now four days before my birthday that she even mentions them to me. This is the first time she has ever said anything to me about it, so her timing sucks. She keeps saying she doesn't want to ruin my birthday, that is why she isn't coming, and that she hopes I have a great birthday anyway. Sorry but its a bit late, if this couldn't have waited for four more days when she has apparently had this problem for five years...

So I am angry about it. She could have cancelled coming if it really bothered her that much, without dumping all of this stuff on me during my birthday week. She could have spoken to me next week and explained her problems and given me a chance to respond. But so far she has refused to take my calls all week, so my only response can be via email, which as you know is limited when really trying to express heartfelt emotion.

The other thing is, the christening is not being held in the city I live in, to go I would either have to pack up my family, and take an extra night in a motel somewhere before attending the christening, or spend six hours on the day of the christening driving. Neither options works very well for my family. I could do it on my own, which is what I told my DH that I would do, which still means three hours driving before the christening, leaving early and three hours driving back again, by myself. Can I do it? Yes of course I can, but do I want to?


So I changed my mind. Given the email manipulation, and the distance circumstances, I have decided to not go. All it would have taken from her was one honest, in person conversation, no blackmail (I am not coming to yours because you are not coming to mine), I cant fix what I don't know, and I don't know how she expected me to fix anything given the way she has approached me and the timing of when she approached me. I could be cynical and say she is cancelling my birthday to teach me a lesson, knowing that if it works there is still time for me to say Oh OK I will do what you want and come to the christening after all, (that's what my sister said anyway) and the thought has crossed my mind, but I don't want to believe it.

So in honour of being true to me, and what I want to do, I am not going to the christening because it isn't right for me to do right now. I will still post the present I have for her daughter, and I will continue to hope that we can communicate with each other and work things out, but I will not be guilted into making a decision.

I also haven't told DH* that I am not going yet, I think I will let him get used to the idea that I have decided on something regardless of his opinion, and next week I will tell him my revised decision, and my reasons for revising (none of which had anything to do with him!).

* DH can also refer to dick head sometimes ;-)


Zanna, travelling tart, back in Oz said...

Joc baby, I don't care what choices you make - only that they are yours and I am so proud of you for thinking this through and making the choices YOU want. Now you've taken up those reins - hang on to them and make the horses go the way you want them to. You're allowed to - you are a fantastic lady and have more then earned the right to make choices in your life - AND DON'T YOU BLOODY FORGET IT!!!
Love z XX

flurogoddess said...

Yeah what Zanna said.

You've done what you think is right. Stand by it and sod everything else!

I think if I were in your friend's position I wouldn't give two hoots about who did or didn't come to a Christening - it's not about that.

You've done good, well done for making your own decisions, we can't please 100% of the people 100% of the time.

Also... With friends like that, who needs enemies?



Miss Milo said...

I'm so proud of you Joc! You might not feel like it right now, but you are such a strong woman... you're inspiring! Yeah! Go you!! :)

There is nothing worse than manipulative friends. I had one myself awhile back and it was so hurtful and infuriating. Maybe it's a good thing that all this happened, if only because you've seen her true colours?

Hope you can put all this behind you and have a great birthday on Saturday.


Jenny said...

You were indeed true to yourself! Good on you. I agree, don't let yourself be manipulated either way. The best choice, is often the hardest to make.

I am proud of you and you know when you have done the right thing, when it sits well inside you.

I agree too, don't tell DH, until later - and when you do you can take comfort in the fact that you made the decision, without anyone pushing you into it.

Brandi said...

I have been lurking here for a long time, and have only commented when truly moved due to lack of time (and too many blogs that I read regularly but can't seem to pare down, LOL) ... but by this I am truly moved once again.

Your strength and honesty have motivated me so many times to think of my own life and where it's headed, what I'm up to, and what I could be doing with my life. I've linked to you a few times in my own blog, LOL. So thanks for posting about yourself and your life, and congrats on making the choice based on you, not on anyone else. Make all your choices that way, Joc, because being true to you and happy with you are the only ways for you to get by in this world. Others who love you for who you are will naturally be drawn to that, and isn't that the people you want to be around anyway?