Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Crisis Point

I am not sure how I did it, but I have managed to badly hurt both my husband and my very good friend. Right now I am feeling all churned up inside. Last night I couldn't sleep, and today I just feel sick, and I don't know what to do.

My friend has a baby who will be christened this month. I have told her I am not going to the christening. There are many reasons, I haven't been to the christenings of my other friends children's, nor my nieces and nephews. This started in part because of the fuss my husband used to make about having to go. He hated it, but wouldn't let me go on my own. So he came to one, suffered through it, then put his foot down and said we weren't going to any more.

At first I was upset, but over time the whole christening thing has gone sour for me anyway, there have been too many personal things that have made me decide to steer clear of the church, and too many hypocrites in my life.

My friend is very upset with me, this is her second child, both of them adopted after ten years of trying to have children. I understand that this is important to her, and I feel very guilty and bad for saying I wont be attending.

My husband isn't supportive of me going, so again I feel very guilty for pushing this issue with him. I feel like the only thing holding me together right now is my skin, and if it breaks I will just fly apart. You've heard of between a rock and a hard place...

I emailed my friend trying to explain myself to her and apologise for hurting her, and I referred to my husbands earlier resistance, in fact the words I used were "he was unwilling to accommodate me", she replied with some less than nice things to say about my husband, my husband then read the email, and is very upset with me because he feels I am blaming him for me not going. The thing is, I think I am. But he said some ugly things about it last night, and he is still being awful to me, and even though I apologised to him for blaming him in the email he will not let it rest.

Between the two of them I got about three hours sleep last night, and it was not all that refreshing as I dreamt about them in that time.

My friend has informed me (all via email she wont take my calls right now) that she is not coming to my birthday on the weekend as she is too hurt and angry with me right now. I have to accept that she wont be there, I refuse to pressure her or try and make her feel guilty, but I am so close to cancelling it all. Especially as I cant be sure my husband will even be speaking civilly to me again by the weekend.

Inside I feel like I have reached crisis point, I need to take a stance, take some direction, be true to myself, but I so don't know what to do.


Jenny said...

Ah Joc,not a nice situation to be in. Seeing as you have posted this, I kind of think that maybe you are looking for another's point of view. This is how I see it

By attending a christening, or any other religious ceremony, you are not making a public declaration that you believe in that ceremony or faith. What you are in fact declaring is your support, love and respect for the people involved. I can understand your girlfriend's hurt and I think she is justified. If your husband does not want to go, that should not stop you. You are a grown woman Joc and can make your own decisions. His issues, are his issues, you don't need to make then your own. You can respect his thoughts, but you are not obligate him by not going - and if that causes a problem it's his problem not your's.

I don't know you at all, but I gather that you can be fairly passive at times. You said in your post, that you need to be true to yourself - and that's how you can be. Tell your husband that you are going to the christening out of respect and consideration of your dear girlfriend and that you understand him not wanting to go, but that's his choice. Let's face it Joc, you are going to a christening, not to a bar by yourself, he has no right to forbid you. You could also ask yourself, why doesn't he want you go to on your own? Is it because deep down he knows his reasons are flawed and he would actually be ashamed/embarassed if you were making excuses for him at a function. If he has beliefs, he needs to be man enough to stand by them.......and not hide behind the fact that neither of you will go.

Joc, I lost a girlfriend over a christening incident -and our friendship has never been rekindled. It hurt me deeply at the time, and almost took away the joy of having my baby christened.

Hope you can come to some decision Joc, and remember BE true to yourself!

P.S. If you don't appreciate my words, please email me and let me know, and next time I won't be so blatant, the last thing I want to do is upset you (more than you already are) - I just want to help if I can.

Zanna, travelling tart, back in Oz said...

Hi Joc, I feel for your dilemma and pain. First of all the whole christening thing - I tend to agree with Jenny that attending a christening isn't compromising any beliefs you may have about the ceremony, church or religion in general, I see it as simply supporting a friend at what is to her an important time in her life. I understand her disappointment but not her harsh reaction -kind of thinking that if she knows you well she probably has some idea of how your husband can dig his heels in. But it's your husband I'm having difficulty with - he's made a choice which is his to make - that is that he doesn't want to attend - fine - but not sure what gives him the right to make your choices for you. I think his reason for making a big fuss and not wanting you to go is that it makes him look bad. Sorry he needs to own his choices - he doesn't want to go then he either explains why to your friend or accepts what people think. He has no right to use you as cover which is what I think he's doing. Could understand (but not condone) him not wanting you to head off to a wild night out on the town without him but to control you to the extent of not allowing you to go to a daytime ceremony to support a friend seens to me a bit extreme. Now probably none of this really helps you in the situation you are in but this is all about choices - your friend is choosing to react the way she is, your husband is choosing not to go - what do you choose to do? Do you want to attend the ceremony? If so go, and tell your husband that this is your choice to make to support your friend, and if you don't want to go then tell your friend that you have chosen not to go because of your feelings about christenings and the church. Maybe I'm oversimplifying - but I believe that sometimes we complicate things by considering too many aspects at once instead of what the basic issues seem to be. Joc, once again - like my very first comment to you - I might be too much - I hope not - and hope that I might help just a little bit in helping you think through this.
Take care
Love Z xx

Anonymous said...

Honey I don't know you at all (so why am I calling you honey?) and I'm late to these posts so you've probably got it sorted now but here's my 2c piece just in case.

It's crankybee here by the way, I just can't bothered signing into to blogger!

Now, what's the problem with your husband? What's it to him if you go or not? Why "can't" you go without him? You ARE blaming him for not going, because it's the truth! He is/was the reason you weren't going! It's not like you were using him for an excuse, he 100% was the reason!!!!!!! You can't change his opinion about baby head wetting but you can change your behaviour. Now Ewen would rather sever a limb with a toothpick than do certain things with me, and that's fine - I know what they are and do them solo. If he informed me I wouldn't be doing such things I would laugh - I can do whatever I see fit, as long as it isn't going to effect him!

"Wouldn't let me go on my own" you write. Why not? Why do you accept that?


Forgive me for being so blunt...but girl, tell him to pull his head in!