I am not sure how I did it, but I have managed to badly hurt both my husband and my very good friend. Right now I am feeling all churned up inside. Last night I couldn't sleep, and today I just feel sick, and I don't know what to do.
My friend has a baby who will be christened this month. I have told her I am not going to the christening. There are many reasons, I haven't been to the christenings of my other friends children's, nor my nieces and nephews. This started in part because of the fuss my husband used to make about having to go. He hated it, but wouldn't let me go on my own. So he came to one, suffered through it, then put his foot down and said we weren't going to any more.
At first I was upset, but over time the whole christening thing has gone sour for me anyway, there have been too many personal things that have made me decide to steer clear of the church, and too many hypocrites in my life.
My friend is very upset with me, this is her second child, both of them adopted after ten years of trying to have children. I understand that this is important to her, and I feel very guilty and bad for saying I wont be attending.
My husband isn't supportive of me going, so again I feel very guilty for pushing this issue with him. I feel like the only thing holding me together right now is my skin, and if it breaks I will just fly apart. You've heard of between a rock and a hard place...
I emailed my friend trying to explain myself to her and apologise for hurting her, and I referred to my husbands earlier resistance, in fact the words I used were "he was unwilling to accommodate me", she replied with some less than nice things to say about my husband, my husband then read the email, and is very upset with me because he feels I am blaming him for me not going. The thing is, I think I am. But he said some ugly things about it last night, and he is still being awful to me, and even though I apologised to him for blaming him in the email he will not let it rest.
Between the two of them I got about three hours sleep last night, and it was not all that refreshing as I dreamt about them in that time.
My friend has informed me (all via email she wont take my calls right now) that she is not coming to my birthday on the weekend as she is too hurt and angry with me right now. I have to accept that she wont be there, I refuse to pressure her or try and make her feel guilty, but I am so close to cancelling it all. Especially as I cant be sure my husband will even be speaking civilly to me again by the weekend.
Inside I feel like I have reached crisis point, I need to take a stance, take some direction, be true to myself, but I so don't know what to do.