Its funny I always think of myself as an honest person, but the real truth, the truth that really matters is that I would not know the truth if I tripped over it. My last entry talks about the fact that I have had two losses in a row, it makes it sound like I have been working at it, but that is a lie.
It was really just dumb luck.
I thought I was doing well, but I was lying to myself. I looked at my stats spreadsheet and realised that I have actually been back on my program for six weeks now, this Friday is my seventh week - talk about knock me down with a feather. I have been telling myself I am doing really well because I have had two losses, but here is the real ugly truth...
Week 1 - 85kg
Week 2 - didnt even weigh in
Week 3 - didnt even weigh in
Week 4 - 86kg - actually gained a kilo
Week 5 - 85kg - lost last weeks gain who knows how
Week 6 - 84.3kg - lost 700 grams
While all the time I am telling myself I am doing really well, I have been telling myself I have only been doing this for three weeks, and I have lost 1.7 kg so far. But the spreadsheet never lies. It tells me I have actually been doing this for six weeks, and I have been doing a pretty crappy job.
Then there are the other lies.
Yes I have been eating well... lie lie lie
I have been eating OK some of the time, then I have been eating like crap for the rest of the time. Lynne put it really well on her blog, and reading that entry really stuck a cord with me. I do that sort of thing all the time. I serve up a perfect serve of well balanced low fat meal, I eat it then clear my plate. Then while I am putting the left overs away I eat the equivalent of another serve straight out of the saucepan, but it doesnt count, so the fact that I dont lose weight that week is just a mystery, because I ate really well… lie lie lie
I remember at WW they called these things the BLTs bites licks and tastes, man I do a lot of BLT lately. When I was back at WW way back last year I weaned myself of this habit, but it has slowly crept back into my life.
Well they say when you know better you do better, so I am telling you all now, I KNOW BETTER and I am not going to do that anymore.
The other lie I tell myself is that I am exercising regularly again... bullsh1t
So I walked once or twice to school with the kids, but it was not regular exercise, and if I tell myself the truth, in the last week I havent walked to school once. I have taken the puppy for a couple of short walks to get him used to the leash, but come on, that was ten to fifteen minutes, stopping lots of times to urge him forward over and over again.
And what am I going to gain telling myself these lies?
Certainly not weight loss results that is for sure. Its time to stop being an ostrich, I need to look at what I am doing and how it is working for me, or as the case may be not working for me. I am sick to death of this whole roller coaster, and lately I have been like a child about this whole weight loss endeavour. Any excuse will do.
And yes I have irreparably broken my knee, but I can still walk, I can still do pilates if I modify things slightly, I can still do light weights, I can still swim. Yes I am heartbroken that my beloved Karate looks to be out of my reach at this point in time, possibly forever, yes I am angry that I cant run, I cant walk up and down hills or stairs, that it still causes me pain doing things that I used to find so effortless. But I still have two legs that work in ways that some people can only dream of, its time to stop feeling sorry for myself, and stop making excuses, and stop lying to myself.
This week I will not indulge in any BLTs
This week I will walk for half an hour every day
This week I will stop lying to myself