Friday, August 12, 2005

Done, like a dinner

I finally pulled my finger out and finished my assignment. It is the last one for this unit, and it is late. So now I anxiously wait for a reply from my tutor to see if he will accept it, or if I fail the entire unit and have to do it again. I will be kind of pissed if I do, but really have no one to blame but myself. It was one of those things that I just kept putting off, I felt uncertain about how to do it and left it as long as possible before starting. I dont think the work I have submitted is that great either, but it should be enough to get me a pass.

I feel a certain sense of freedom now that it is done, it is like it is no longer pressing down on my conscience and nagging me... a bit like my mothers voice when I was a teenager. The difference now is that I am the one who is doing the nagging, even to myself LOL. I just seem to keep rebelling against myself. I have so much to do to finish this course, I have only completed two subjects, I am going to apply for RPL on the next one, then there is only one I can do that is flexible. After that I actually have to go back to school!! Next year I will be attending classes at the CIT (TAFE to NSW people) and having deadlines for assignments and things. I might even have to do group work, which does not thrill me as it does not really sit well with quality family time. I think I am a bit scared about going to the school for classes, I am so out of the whole study loop, plus most of the people I will be studying with will be almost twenty years younger than me.

I am getting closer to forty years of age, and I still have those horrible feelings of not fitting in with the crowd, people laughing at me or thinking I am not cool. My whole life I have struggled with this, and I have let it become an excuse for not following through, not finishing things. When does this kind of stuff get easier? When will I be old enough to not care what other people think or say about me? Defitely time to grow a thicker skin.

I dont say this to many people, but I am so afraid of failing at things, that often I will not even start them in the first place, or else I start them, then I procrastinate about doing any more. It pisses my man off big time. He hates that I just dont do anything. He often says I do nothing. He says he would rather I do something, even if it does not work out, becasue it is a whole lot better than doing nothing. We are so different in so many ways sometimes I wonder why we ever found each other attractive. I guess opposites do attract.

He is totally pissing me off this week. I know there is a lot of pressure on him about work and all, but he puts more pressure on himself that he really does not need to. And the money thing, yes it is nice to have a good salary coming in, but for God's sake, we were quite happy and able to cope financially twenty thousand dollars ago, so if he has to take a cut and go back twenty thousand to achieve a contentment in his job and his life, I just wish he would do it. I would rather he was happy and we owed a little more on the mortgage, than have him feel like all he does is work, and that his life just sucks. It is hard to help him when he wont help himself.

Well this post has turned into a big whinge hasn't it!! But then again this is my blog, and I can whinge if I want to.

On another note, I read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince yesterday, another very good reason not to do my assignment. I thought it was much better than the Order of the Phoenix, which dragged a bit for my liking. HBP was much lighter than its predecessor, although, lacking a little in storyline I felt. I guess it is kind of hard to keep the momentum going for seven books. Especially with the pressure JKRowling must have been feeling with all of the die hard fans hanging on every snippet of information about what will happen next. I will admit I scour the HP sites hoping for a crumb to keep me going until the next part of the story comes out, and even though I have not enjoyed the last two books as much as the first four, I am still hanging out to find out what happens to all my favourite characters in the end.

The only real dissapointment to me is that once you have finished thats it, there is no more until the next book is released in another year or two. I love to read, and I devour books fairly quickly, then I wish I had taken it slower and been able to enjoy it for just that bit longer. It happens with all good books that I read. I also find it hard to not read a book that I have started, even if it sucks, same with TV, once I start I just have to find out what happens, even if it is total tripe in the end. There must be some real flaw in my personality that I will continue to read a book or watch a move that I dont even like! Its a bit like how I stay friends with people I dont like too. Why do I do that? Sometimes I dont want to hurt their feelings, but other times I dont know what it is, maybe I am just too lazy to even bother with telling someone to piss off, and then have to deal with the fall out.

I know that I dont do conflict well, it is something that I have discussed many times with my best friend, my youngest sister, we will call her Lucy. Lucy and I have both confided that we never remember our parents fighting, and that we get overly concerned when we are in a fight ourselves. When I argue with my man I am very defensive, I lose track of the argument, and I just cant think of any reply to things he says. If he accuses me of something I get all hurt and back into a corner, and he keeps goading me until I explode and say things that I dont even mean or think about. When I reply I just grab at words, some of them not even true, but I feel so angry and I dont know how to express that anger to him. It does not help that he is very volatile, so as soon as he hears something that lights his fuse he just comes back at me so strong. I have known for years that he has a foul temper, and that he loves to unleash his anger and shout me down, and I have never learned how to deal with it. Shouting back does not seem to help, he just shouts louder, and saying nothing and trying to walk away does not work either, he follows until he feels finished. When things are the other way around and I am cranky, he walks away and tells me to leave him alone. Why is he allowed to do that and I am not? The balance of power is definitely tilted in his favour when we argue, and I dont know how to change that.

Well I think I have ranted long enough now. Time to go and do something ... anything...


Trish said...

Oh wow, we have so much in common. Actually, we were a lot more similar about two years ago. I've been through a fairly major crisis in the recent past (I don't talk about it on my blog at all, it's too personal) but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not suggesting you find yourself a crisis, but the empowerment I felt from getting through a situation that would normally spell "disaster" has set me up for a much more positive future. Sure, I have my bad days, usually triggered by weight gain or hormones or a grumpy husband or uncooperative children. But the underlying feeling of not quite measuring up, being afraid of what people think of me, feeling unfulfilled at work and frustrated and bored at home, well, that's mostly gone. I went to a counsellor during my 'crisis' and those were the most interesting, productive, enlightening and empowering three hours of my life. Not only did he help me through the crisis, but he talked about reasons why this whole thing was happening to me at all, and it was extraordinary to have someone say "this is why you are who you are, and this is how you can change yourself for the better." There are a zillion self-help books on the market, but they're all one-size-fits-all. Imagine how much more you'd get out of an actual conversation with Dr Phil, as opposed to reading his books.

Thanks for visiting my blog, and for the advice about bed wetting! Good luck with your writing, and everything else.

Joc said...

Thanks for your comments Trish, its good to know I am not alone

Brandi said...

Though my comment is much much later in coming, I second Trish ... I am a bit like you were when you posted this. I don't have the issue with worrying about what other's think of me, and I've learned well to hold my own in an argument. But the rest?

Procrastinating, or not even doing some things that are so important to me ... and yet I will force myself through a book that almost literally puts me to sleep. I wonder why it is that we do that?

Well, I had to start at the very beginning of this blog before I could really read it, you know they are almost like books to me, I can't just read the end ... So here I am at the beginning, and can't wait to see what comes next ...