Tuesday, June 7, 2005

What am I afraid of?

I have been trying to work out what it is that makes me keep eating, what is my payoff? I have some ideas floating around about what they might be, although nothing is really concrete yet.

All my life I have been terrified of rejection, of not being good enough. I dont really know why, maybe I never will, my parents were normal, my childhood was normal, I have no really good reasons for why I felt this way that I can think of, but still I do.

I remember in high school my best friend was very popular with the opposite sex, they liked to talk with me and have a joke, but they wanted to be her boyfriend. I never felt I was as good as her, to me she was always pretty, confident all that I wanted to be. She on the other hand struggled with her own issues that I never knew about until we were in our twenties, she had been bulimic for a lot of her teenage years trying to lose weight. Who knew? Not me, I always thougth she had it all. She obviously did not.

I remember some of her ex boyfriends starting to pay attention to me after they broke up, up front I felt flattered, but underneath I was seething with the thought that I was only ever second best, and why were they only interested after things had not worked out with my friend.

I always wanted to be someones favourite, someones first choice, and it never happened. I have never broken up with anyone, I have always been the one who is left, never the leaver. I wonder if deep down my fear of being left stemmed from thinking that I was not good enough, and that it would not be long before others worked this out then walked out on me. I wonder if I have justified over eating and being over weight with the thought that they will leave me at some stage anyway, so if I am fat they will just leave sooner, that way I dont have to prolong the agony. Lets just get the rejection happening, and get the pain over and done with, pass me the ice cream....

1 comment:

Brandi said...

I have just stumbled upon this blog a few days ago, and I always go back and read the whole blog (yes it takes a while, but then I know who I'm reading) ... and I have to say something.

First, I like this blog so far, can't wait to see what happens next.

Second ... This was a really moving post for me. I can totally relate to it, and it got me thinking. I'm glad I didn't read last night when I was tired, and I think I'll meditate on this idea for a minute today, see where it takes me.