I have been trying to work out what it is that makes me keep eating, what is my payoff? I have some ideas floating around about what they might be, although nothing is really concrete yet.
All my life I have been terrified of rejection, of not being good enough. I dont really know why, maybe I never will, my parents were normal, my childhood was normal, I have no really good reasons for why I felt this way that I can think of, but still I do.
I remember in high school my best friend was very popular with the opposite sex, they liked to talk with me and have a joke, but they wanted to be her boyfriend. I never felt I was as good as her, to me she was always pretty, confident all that I wanted to be. She on the other hand struggled with her own issues that I never knew about until we were in our twenties, she had been bulimic for a lot of her teenage years trying to lose weight. Who knew? Not me, I always thougth she had it all. She obviously did not.
I remember some of her ex boyfriends starting to pay attention to me after they broke up, up front I felt flattered, but underneath I was seething with the thought that I was only ever second best, and why were they only interested after things had not worked out with my friend.
I always wanted to be someones favourite, someones first choice, and it never happened. I have never broken up with anyone, I have always been the one who is left, never the leaver. I wonder if deep down my fear of being left stemmed from thinking that I was not good enough, and that it would not be long before others worked this out then walked out on me. I wonder if I have justified over eating and being over weight with the thought that they will leave me at some stage anyway, so if I am fat they will just leave sooner, that way I dont have to prolong the agony. Lets just get the rejection happening, and get the pain over and done with, pass me the ice cream....