Friday, June 1, 2007

Alls well that ends well

For those of you who prefer not to read other peoples whinging, whining, cranky pants posts I would recommend you skip this one.


For the rest of you... welcome to my whine

This week has been insanely busy, just the usual mum stuff, work etc. I know everyone has to cope with this kind of stuff, I'm not special in that regard, and mostly I try not to whinge too much about it, because that's life. This morning I had an episode of ... something.

The kids were late getting out of bed, and I was mean to them while I tried to hurry them out the door. Then I needed to buy a printer cartridge, and I couldn't locate the one I needed in OfficeJerks, and the sales assistant *@#$^$@*&*@#&!!!! pity he doesn't get paid on commission, cos this week he would be earning jack if his assistance to me was anything to go by. Driving away from the store I must have looked like a complete nutter yelling, and carrying on to myself in the car.

Then I went to the toy store to stock up on birthday gifts as my daughters are both attending lots of parties at the moment, and this stupid old bag was behind me in the queue to pay. while I the sales assistant rang up my purchases, then swiped my credit card stupid old bag was pushing my stuff down the counter out of her way, she was so close to me the hairs on her arms were touching me, she pushed my purse and it fell on the floor - talk about no personal space boundaries, she was so impatient to get me out of the way and have her turn. Then when I was getting in my car she was pushing by me again to get to her car so she could get out of the car park first - like she is the only person in the world who has other things to do. So I reversed out behind her, then stopped to put my seat belt on and adjust my mirrors, and made her wait before pulling out. Then she overtook me on double white lines, veering in front of a small truck that was pulling out of a drive way on the other side of the road. So I flipped her the bird and let loose another stream of colourful language.

After that I pulled over to the side of the road and sat with my head on the steering wheel wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I had other shopping to do but I decided it would be safer to just go home. All the way home I kept thinking about what I could eat when I got there, I changed my mind a dozen times. Then I pulled into my driveway and sat in the car tyring to pull myself together.

I scared myself a lot, because I wasn't hungry, yet I had a menu planned out that was going to get stuffed down my throat to make me feel better. I was still so angry and I was planning on using food to ease my anger and frustration. Right then I realised it, so binge drama was averted as I made myself more conscious of what the problem was. All my life I have been told not to display anger, to forgive and forget blah blah, and all my life I have pushed down angry feelings and denied them.

So still sitting there in the car I shut my eyes and said out loud I AM VERY ANGRY, and yes I said it very loudly. Then I waited. The sky didn't fall, there was no reaction from around me, so I said it again even louder I AM VERY VERY ANGRY!!! then I wondered if any of my neighbours could see me and I started to laugh, and suddenly I wasn't angry anymore. So I came inside, turned on the computer, started to work, and didn't eat anything.

I was exhausted after letting go of all of that anger, but I felt so much better. Now I am off to think of something nice to do for my kids this afternoon so they don't think their mother is a total cow all day everyday ;-)

For anyone who read this far - thanks, and stop laughing at me!


Zanna, travelling tart, back in Oz said...

You little ripper - another new place on your voyage of discovery - yes you can be angry - as angry as you like - when all is said and done it's your choice. So proud of you for the way you thought through the way you felt and then rationalised it. (and decided a 10 course menu wasn't going to help) Go Joc!!

Jenny said...

Well done Joc! It does feel good to be angry. Can you just imagine what a life that lady must lead........I 'd say she's mean, selfish and not very happy at all. You are better than that!

You really made a couple of inroads today, foodwise and emotionally which is all tied in together.

Have a great weekend.

W. said...

Okay, I'll stop laughing! No, really, I was laughing because in many ways I related to your story! Im so pleased for you that you recongised what you were feeling and what you needed to feel, and then how to deal with it. :)

Andrea K said...

I can't laugh at you unless I'm willing to laugh at myself, because your day sounds SO much like one of mine. I get so incredibly angry, and I feel foolish later for getting so crazy, but then I realize it's better than shoving it down and burying it with a lot of food.

So hooray for you! I think you made great progress in "surviving" your feelings and turning away from food.

lisa jane said...

I think you are so amazing.I love the way you write.I love that you are honest and self-aware. :-) xoxoxo

gl said...

This post did make me smile - not in a 'laughing at you' sort of way though, in a 'good for you for getting angry instead of eating' way!

Brandi said...

You, know, for a minute there, I was laughing as I read. But not at you, at myself ... I don't think you are all that alone in anger, Joc - we all get angry, right? And you're right, it does help to just shout a bit, and then it's easier to let it go. Yes, forgive and forget is a wonderful concept, and it's a great plan. In fact, it is required of us in the Bible. Not preaching, but just saying, you know? Then again, it isn't that easy. Forgiving alone is tough ... but forgetting? Very hard. However, while I remember lots of places that urge you to deal with anger, to heal anger, to FIX anger, I don't remember ever seeing a place where it says you can't be angry. So be angry when the day is bad, we're all entitled to that, it's an emotion, you know? And while you can gain control of your emotions, and you can eventually control yourself during those emotional times, even that is a journey ... so congrats on getting started. And for noticing what was going on before all the cookies and chocolate in the house were gone, LOL.