Hmm it’s a bit dusty around here. I guess it has been a while. So where do I start?
I have been off the blogging radar for a while, I am still reading, sometimes commenting, but I just haven’t been able to muster up the energy to update my own blog. Its not that there has been nothing going on in my life, it just hasn’t been all that interesting for anyone else except for me.
Plus, and I feel so stupid saying this, but I've been a bit embarrassed about coming back. You see I started down the path of intuitive eating, I read heaps, I discussed it here a bit, I contributed to blogs and web sites that endorsed it. But I feel like a desperate failure at it. I feel torn, because I have been trying to implement it, but all the while I have been gaining more and more weight. I jumped into IE with gusto, but in a lot of ways missed the real point of it somehow. I think there are a lot of people who go the same way as me, and I know some of the books I read claimed that to start with you will probably gain some weight when you start IE, but I am just not willing to gain anymore while I work my way through my emotional eating. I just cant go there.
Until yesterday morning, I had not stepped on the scales in 2008. I feel like that is a victory, because the scales have messed with my head so badly in the past. My clothes are getting tighter and tighter, and I have had to buy new clothes in bigger sizes. Even that I could sort of deal with, I have been becoming more accepting of myself as I am. I no longer wail and moan about having to wear a size 16, its just the way it is right now.
BUT, I feel like crap - all the time. I am lethargic, my joints ache, I get headaches, stomach aches, I have no get up and go, my sex drive has got up and gone, and I am just not happy.
So Wednesday morning I bit the bullet. I stepped on the scales. I was fairly realistic about what I would see, and my estimate was close. I came in 1.3 kgs less than the 90kgs I was expecting. So there it is 88.7kgs. Which means I have gained 5 kgs since December last year, or approximately a kilo a month. Shit.
I am happy to say that it didn’t send me into a melt down, I didn’t go straight to the pantry to feed my sorrows. In fact I am less concerned about the number than I thought I would be. I don’t plan to step on the scales now until the end of the month, but I do plan to do some other things.
Firstly, I am committing to exercising more regularly. This year exercise has been left in the "if I get time" category, and I am moving it into the "must be done first" category. I think that alone will help me to feel better.
Secondly, I am cleaning up my eating. I am not planning to diet. That for me is starting down the slippery slope of obsession, and I don’t have time in my life to obsess about anything these days, but, there are some simple changes I can make that should help make a difference.
I have spent too many years fussing with eating plans, counting points, cutting carbs etc for no long term gain, and lots of emotional upheaval. I have denied myself things I love when I want them, only to binge horribly on things that I don’t really want all because I feel resentful about missing out. So I am concentrating on moderation for now. Plenty of fresh fruit and veggies, lean meats, chicken and fish, cereal and bread, and the occasional small treat.
Sounds like common sense doesn’t it, but if there is one thing I have learned in the last ten years it is that I have nothing resembling common sense when it comes to food.
Anyway that's probably enough for now. I have started a new blog 40FitFab which will be devoted to my health and fitness, so I will post all updates on such over there. This blog will still be here, but for now I want to keep my occasional ramblings separate from my food and fitness.