Diamonds

This is the fourth time I have set about losing weight. By losing weight I mean more than a couple of kilos, there were plenty of times when I was younger and worked on losing 2kgs and thought that was weight loss, now I am facing 20kg.

In all of my past weight loss efforts I have been brimming over with motivation, excited at the thought of tracking, weighing, measuring, exercising etc. My last thoughts before falling asleep were about what I would eat tomorrow, and how many points I had used today. My first thoughts on waking revolved around what I would to that day to aid my weight loss efforts.

I was pretty selfish about my time too. Other things would fall by the wayside whilst I obsessed about every mouthful, and every weigh in. Then every time I stopped the obsessing, as I got closer to my goal weight I would slowly slip back into old habits. I can see now that the attitude I carried then was one of being on a diet, getting thin in the quickest possible time, then going about my merry way. Fact is that just doesnt work.

The real key lies in making changes to routines that become permanent changes, in adopting eating habits that are sustainable for life. I am finding these things hard to get really excited about. I love my food, I love my red wine, I dont particularly like exercising strenuously. God am I doomed to always be fat?!

My motivation is at an all time low. So I cant rely on motivation to get me though. I have alway lived on the outside of my skin, I react to things, I let my feelings get hurt, I respond with childlike joy to happy times, emotionally I have never really grown up. I am starting to realise that losing weight is a grown up thing, and its time for me to approach it in a more grown up way.

I want to lose weight, so I need to take the steps that will make this happen. That means I cant just do it when I feel motivated, or excited, I have to look impassionately at it and just do it because it needs to be done. I mean there are a hundred other things I do, not becasue I want to, but because I have to, like the dishes, the washing, the vacuuming, cleaning up the dog poop... the list goes on and on, so why not just add this to the list.

Track my food, not because its so exciting writing it all in a brand new tracker, and adding the points up and being childishly happy when I have done well. Track my food because it must be done. Exercise because it must be done. Make healthy choices most of the time because it must be done. I know it will take time, I am prepared for it this time, I wont be back in my skinny clothes in time for Summer, but I will be closer that I am now.

I read this quote today in an email from Sparkpeople

Trying and persevering but failing to see your goals realized can be frustrating. Margaret Thatcher once said "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it," and she was absolutely right. You've got to believe that you will succeed! Never admit defeat as long as time and effort remain. Our greatest asset is patience; our greatest weakness is throwing in the towel. Banish discouragement and feelings of impossibility by working hard, doing more, and not giving in! A diamond was only made beautiful after hundreds of years as a lump of coal.

I have been a lump of coal for long enough, I am a diamond (I just need a bit of polishing)