Which Reindeer Are YOU?

You Are Blitzen

Always in good spirits, you're the reindeer who loves to party down with Santa. Why You're Naughty: You're always blitzed on Christmas Eve, while flying! Why You're Nice: You mix up a mean eggnog martini.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Photos YUK

I decided if I am really serious about this whole weight loss thing I need to get some evidence to show that I have made some progress so... today I have posted my start pictures. Although they look bad, they dont look as bad as I expected, but still pretty bad. The side on view is deceiving, because I was twisting to take the photo I look thinner than I really am, but the front on... well enough said about that.

I will update the photos each month with hopefully better ie thinner looking ones.

I jumped on the scales this morning - yes I check every day, and I am down 2.5 kg since Monday YAY. So I am now 80.5 as opposed to the very scary 83 that showed up on Monday. I have been very careful with my food choices, and the DH has grilled me every evening about how my day was. He is not the most gently supportive of weight loss coaches, his method is more crack the whip and shame the fatty, so for the most part I dont listen to him when he is being drill sargeant, but he does act as a good conscience for the days when my own willpower is low.

I have wasted most of the day doing stuff that needed to be done, but overall dont seem to have helped me move forward in getting organised for Sunday. I am sure though once I clear the clutter that has accumulated via three children being under foot things will be better than they seem. Tomorrow I have a big day of cooking ahead, then cleaning. After that it is only little things, present wrapping and trying to maintain the house till Christmas is over.

Hope everyones lead up to Christmas is running smoothly.

three sleeps

I cant believe Christmas is almost here again. I still have heaps to do, but at least now the kids are finished at school so I dont have the schedule constraints that imposes anymore. Thankfully all of the shopping is done, I got the last of that finished on Tuesday. I am also finished work for the rest of the year. Just groceries today, and then cooking and wrapping for a few days, then it is all done YAY.

The news on the scales this week has not been good, I have gained 3.5kg! Not happy. I think some of it can be put down to the surgery, I have been retaining fluid and quite swollen since then. But unfortunately some of it can also be put down to the eating I undertook on the weekend when we went to my parents for Dad's 60th birthday party. Thankfully 1kg has gone again, but I am really watching what I eat this week to try and get the other two moving and regain some momentum.

Anyway, off to face the hordes in the grocery store now - you gotta love Christmas right?

the bees knees

Well mine actually, according to my surgeon the knee is unsuitable for the cartilage grafting, and other than major surgery (as if the graft wasn't bad enough) there is little he can do.

My body has already started generating fibrous cartilage to cover the open area, but it will never be strong enough for high impact stuff. His belief is if I look after myself really well for the next six weeks or so and don't bend my knee past 20 degrees I have a good chance of getting good coverage. This will then hopefully see me through the next five to possibly ten years before I need any other intervention.

All of this is of course speculation, and I could find in 12 months the pain is so bad I am ready to cut the damn thing off, but so far my pain as all but disappeared so I am taking the optimistic outlook for now. So I walk up and down stairs like a two year old, one step at a time, and I will be walking a bit stiff legged for a few more months, but I have hope that I will be able to use my knee better for a few more years at least.

So enough about the knee for now.

The other comment he made was that it is important for me to keep my weight "under control". Given that my husband was present when he said that he may as well have said "loose some lard tubby" because that is what my DH heard. So he has volunteered to go on a diet with me so that he can lose a few pounds while I lose a lot of pounds. I guess I should be happy that he is being supportive, but his support usually involves hard labour so it is a double edged sword.

I know I need to lose the weight, and I want to lose it, but it is no fun when you get told to do it. I have this stubborn streak in me, and I hate people telling me what to do. Luckily in my own head I knew I had to lose the weight before anyone else told me to, or else I could be really fighting with myself on this one LOL.

So onwards and downwards (on the scale at least) I have pulled my finger out!

Triple J

When they are driving me crazy I should remember that they aren't always that bad LOL
James, Jane and Joan.

Christmas a knee and a small loss

I cant believe how busy I have been lately, I have hardly found time for anything I need or want to do, just for the things I have to do. Today is dedicated to going slow and doing some things that I have neglected.

Christmas shopping done! Just need to get it all wrapped now which wont take too long. Everything for the nieces and nephews is finalised and ready to go into the car. We are driving to Sydney tonight to spend the weekend with my family as it is my dads 60th birthday tomorrow.

Now for the knee - first operation successful. I am so happy. I went in early yesterday morning and was home again by lunch time. The surgeon removed a large chunk of cartilage that had been moving around in my knee and getting caught as I was trying to walk. I cant believe how much better it feels already. The pain factor has been negligible, only two pain killers since waking up from the operation yesterday. Best of all I can walk, and I mean properly walk, not even a limp. I have not been this mobile for eight weeks now.

I am still all bandaged up so we dont know how much flexion I will have without pain, that will come over the next few weeks. Unfortunately the damage was too great to do the harvest for the cell implant, so that option is now unavailable to me, and we will have to examine further areas of treatment. I am almost certainly going to end up with osteoarthritic pain at some stage as I still have an area of bone that will be in contact with other bone in the knee, but for now I am feeling so much better than I was even two days ago, and the constant pressure, pain and aching has all but disapeared. So for now I am celebrating that, I will worry about the other possible problems next week when I go back to see the surgeon.

As for the weight loss, I have am now at 79.5, which is a 400g loss from my last weigh in. But considering my last weigh in was November 21st, things have been on the back burner to say the least. I am more committed to losing this weight now than I have been for a long time. The failure of this cartliage implant option for my knee has really made me think. I only have one body and it has to last me a lot longer yet, so I really need to take more care of it. There are some things that are beyond my control aka knee injury, but there are some things that are totally up to me to control and the biggest of these is my weight.

It's time to take some action

The good, the bad and the ugly

Well the good news is it is not my anterior cruciate ligament causing problems in my knee - YAY

The bad news... it is worse than the anterior cruciate ligament - :-(

The ugly? treatment requires two operations, one to clear out the cartilage and bone fragments floating around in my knee, especially the one that is about 1.5cm in diameter, and to harvest some healthy cartilage cells. The second operation will be about four weeks later, once the lab has grown me a new cartilage using the cells harvested in the first operation, and the new cartilage will be put back in my knee. I will be in hospital for up to four days, then SIX WEEKS on crutches aaarrrgggghhhh. The initial recover is twelve weeks long, then I have another nine to twelve months of rehab before it is considered over.

I seems that I have snapped some cartilage off the patella bone and that is why I still have a lot of pain walking, my bones are rubbing against each other. There is the option of just cleaning up the mess, and moving the bones slightly so that they don't rub, but the surgeon thinks that will lead to osteoarthritis in a few years and eventually a knee replacement. So even though it is a long process, I think the one we are going for is the best option long term.

So I am not a happy camper, although, I am much happier today than I was a few days ago when I first heard the news. Tomorrow I go back to see the surgeon to make the bookings etc and get a time frame. I will be happy once I know when it will all happen as I can then see and end to it.

In the meantime I will keep on losing weight, that should help my recovery as there will be less load bearing on my knee once the operation is done, and I will spend some time making sure I have everything for the start of term ready for next year for the kids, and a huge stash of scrapbooking supplies, as I plan to do lots of scrapping in the six weeks I am house bound after the second op.

As for the po1int counting last week was really good until I got to Friday night - dinner out with girls from school, Saturday - too much wine and cheese with DH after tea, and roast lamb on Sunday which was really really good. The days were goods, but the nights were just a bit over the top. Mind you I weighed in on Friday morning at 79.9, and I am still the same this morning (Monday), so hopefully my diligence through the week has seen me through a few heavy evenings.

So that is my sad saga for the week LOL.

And the point is...

Well I have done it, I am back on the po1nts again. Three days in and things are going very smoothly. Mind you I have been here so many times it should go smoothly, I should be able to do it in my sleep! As always it is so easy when you first start, and the motivation is running high so it does not seem too hard to get out the tracker and the po1nts counter and make lists about what I eat. I know from experience though that this does not last for long with me.

Most times in the past when I have tracked my po1nts I have been really dedicated for the first three or four weeks, although by week four I am no longer tracking the weekends, then after that I will miss days here and there and just try to remember later what I ate. This works for me for about six to eight weeks, then the weight loss stalls or stops, I get discouraged and everthing turns to crap. I know the system works, the thing that does not work is me.

I have long had a problem with finishing things. I start heaps of projects, but never seem to finish anything much. The things that I do finish usually get done in a rush at the last minute, like assignments, or birthday/Christmas projects - will someone please remind me that homemade Christmas cards are never going to happen in my house and the time and energy I put in to creating them will be more than balanced out by the time and energy put into repressing the frustration I feel when they are not looking just perfect, and it is the day before Christmas as they go into the post!

Mia wrote a great post about being a perfectionist, and how she never saw herself as one because, well look in the mirror, how can that person with the unstyled hair and smudged makeup and messy house be a perfectionist? Well I get that completely, because that is me in many ways too. I learned a lot about myself after immersing myself in the Flylady site, I learned that a perfectionist does not always look like we perfectionist think they do. The biggest perfectionist giveaway for me is the procrastination - I put things off because I know I want them done a certain way, I have a certain image of how they should be, but I also dont know how to make them that way, or dont want to fail in my attempts to make them that way. This leads to putting things off, and either never doing them, or doing a last minute rush job that is totaly disappointing to me in its entirety. I also find that once I am on the home straight with a task, it is never as hard as I thought it would be, then I beat myself up about procrastinating for so long before starting.

The whole weight loss thing for me has been similar. I put it off until I am crying with frustration at being so fat. I fuss and fart around with ideas about this program, or this pill or whatever, but deep down inside I KNOW that eating right and exercising are the only ways to do it. And I put it off a bit longer thinking it is going to be so hard... then I start, things are going smoothly and I think this is not so bad, then I loose some weight, get complacent, or bored, or impatient or (insert other appropriate word, you know we have all done it...), stop doing what I should and bam - the fat comes back.

Then I spend the next few months going through it all again - what is with that? Then I beat myself up about the previous failures, I say to myself if I only stuck with it last spring when I started, I would now be at my goal weight, wearing clothes that fit nicely, running regularly, feeling fit and healthy and happy.

So sometimes I ask my self what is the point?

The point is... I am 38, I have three kids, one DH, and my life is probably half lived. That means there is still a half to go and given that I have not done that much with the first half, I want the second half to mean something. I want my kids to grow up thinking I am someone special (aside from being their mother of course) I want to be around to see them grow up, to see my grandchildren (if I get any) to travel with DH. I want to live a long and healthy life, and die knowing I lived life, instead of sat on my backside watching life go by. And most of all I dont want to lose this weight when I am really old then look back and regret all of the other things I could have had if only I had not procrastinated about it for so long, and if only I had stuck with it and finished it when I was 38.

The first step - count the po1nts.

Physio

I had my first physiotherapy appointment today, and I was kind of dreading it, but... it was great. My physio Tony is brilliant, he went through and showed me a model of a knee and what was going on inside, he assured me that I am not going to do more damage now, even if it hurts a little, he went through everything. I was really impressed with him.

Best of all by the time I finished I was walking much better, and have now got much more flexibility in my knee. He has given me a few exercises to practice to build up the strength in my legs further before I have my surgery and I am determined to do them as often as I can.

On the down side he said it will probably be about six months before I will be back to karate, but on the plus side he says there is no reason not to go back. He quoted a few instances of people who have successfully returned to their sport of choice following surgery and therapy, and they were full contact sportspeople, so given karate is technically a non contact sport the odds are good.

All in all I was really happy with the appointment and with Tony. So next week I have my MRI, then back to see the surgeon to learn what happens next.

My eating for the last two days has been pretty good. At least until I get to tea time. I think I need to eat a little more during the day to stop me from feeling so ravenous at tea, so I am going to add some more fruit to my plan mid afternoon and see how that goes.

Meal replacement?

I am thinking about using EasyS1im or OptiS1im or some other meal replacement thing for the next few weeks while I am still not able to exercise. I am spending so much time sitting on my behind these days that I am feeling like I am fatter even though I am not ... yet. So I thought the meal replacement thing might be a good way to keep the calories under control. I will probably only do it on the weekdays, and try and eat normal meals on the weekends as Brett hates those meal replacement things, and thinks I should not do them. Normally I would agree with him, but right now I am desperate, I just dont want to put on heaps of weight while I am waiting for my knee to heal. I also think if I lose a bit more weight it might put less strain on my knee while it is recovering.

Anyway something to think about for the next few days. I am so bored of being in this house anything that takes my mind of things for a while is exciting LOL.

Injury progress

Tomorrow is two weeks since the knee incident and I am still out of action. I can walk now, albeit very slowly, and I am using and old mans walking stick to get around, but it is heaps better than the crutches. So glad I am not having to use them anymore. Today was my first full pain killer free day YAY. I will probably still need to take something before bed as sleeping is still a little sore.

A visit to the orthapaedic surgeon on Wednesday (my birthday) revealed that it is more likely the anterior cruciate ligament than the medial, which needs surgery to be fixed. The surgeon has me going to the physiotherapist next week... not looking forward to the pain that will involve, then I am off for an MRI the following week, then back to see the surgeon for the verdict. His current view is that I will probably need an arthroscopy (sp?) to check out the damage and repair, yuck! The good thing is it is only day surgery, or one night in hospital, and I should be able to walk out afterwards. Lets hope that is the case anyway, I am not wanting to be on crutches again.

The worst thing about the ortho visit was that he stuck a huge needle in my leg to draw out the accumulated blood, he took out 65ml before I hit him LOL, I did not mean to hit him, it just all of a sudden really hurt and it was a reflex action. The first time he changed the vials over the blood just kept p0uring out and down my leg, he said it was under a lot of pressure. Luckily he was faily good humoured and didnt get upset about my reaction. Not the most wonderful birthday present I ever got...

I am frustrated at the time it is taking to get mobile again, I am sick of asking people to drive me places or pick up my kids or whatever, I just want to be able to do it all myself again. I am also furstrated at the delay in my karate training too. There is no way now that I will get to grading in December like I had hoped. It is probable that James and Jane will both grade then, but I will have to sit and watch. My husband is also making ominous noises about me returning to training full stop. He seems to think that I should not be going back, and that I should forget about karate all together. I am not happy about that at all. I am going to talk to the ortho and the physio and see what they recommend, if they say it is no go, well then that is the end of the story, if they say I am fine to go back to training, then I dont see why I shouldnt. I think there will be a bit of a fight about it at home though.

As for the whole weight loss thing, well it is just not happening right now. I really need to get my head around it or I will end up gaining due to the enforced rest that I am having right now. I have eaten my last family block of comfort chocolate to get me through this thing, I know that was a bad idea, but it is done and gone, and now I need to start eating more healthy food, and taking smaller portions until I can start exercising again. I never thought I would say this but I cant wait until I can run again.

Ouch!

Today is my third day on crutches, and I am not happy. Saturday at Karate was having a great workout, really enjoying things when it happened...

Leg to the floor after a round kick, slightly off balance, weight onto the leg and CRACK. I wanted to scream the pain was so excrutiating. I managed to hold the screams in as both James and Jane were there and I did not want to upset them too much. As it was Jane was crying when she saw me on the floor holding my leg. Sensei asked if I was OK, then asked me to move to the side of the room so the class could continue... what the... so two of my friends helped me to the side of the room. Then I just sat on the floor gulping in air trying to focus on not throwing up. My friends were racing around trying to find a bag for me to be sick in, thankfully I managed to keep it down, because the bad they found wasn't up to much.

I can honestly say it was the worst pain I have ever felt. That is after labour and caesareans, cracked nipples, mastitis and all of that stuff (previously the mastitis topped it for me) each time I had to move my leg I felt like I would black out. Thankfully my friend Sophie was there to help, she organised the kids to be picked up by her husband and taken home, then she got me to the hospital and stayed with me while they did their thing there. The Emergency Ward was empty when we arrived, and all up it only took two and a half hours and we were heading home. The diagnosis, torn medial ligament. My knee is the size of a rockmelon and I am on crutches for a week at least. The first night at home was painful and I did not sleep well, I then spent most of Sunday on the lounge with my leg up, pain was slightly improved, and I slept slightly better the second night. The bigger kids are off to school today and a friend is picking up Joan to take her to playschool this afternoon so I dont have to worry about them for the rest of the day so I might be able to catch up on some sleep then.

Looks like I will be out of action for the whole week, then hopefully I will be able to start doing things again next week.

Not happy.

just does my head in

Well my whole weight loss effort has fallen flat... Two weeks ago a friend and I talked about losing 10kg before Christmas, personally I would have been happy to make it 8kg, and since then I have not been able to stop eating! The whole pschology of this just does my head in. I want to lose the weight, I agree on a plan, then I stuff it completely, and on what? things that I dont even really like that much. I have been in sugar overload, which we all know makes you feel like crap, and I cant seem to fill the empty pit inside me.

Today I started the day differently, instead of my usual muesli I had a tub of yoghurt and fruit, then a piece of fruit a little later. It is now 11.00am and I am not feeling hungry, YAY. I guess I will need to experiment a little and work out what is going to work for me these days.

On the exercise front things are looking OK, Saturday was 1.5hrs of Karate, Sunday we gardened for four hours (got the veggies in the ground) Monday I did pump, Tuesday 1 hr of Karate, and today I am getting my bike out, strapping Joan into the baby carrier (she is now 4 not a baby, but I can still sit her there) then riding to a friends house. Then we will walk to school to collect the older kids, walk back to her place, then I will ride home with Joan, and she will drop Jane and James over a little while later. This evening there is another 1 hr of Karate training. Tomorrow is pump again, then I just have to work out what I will do on Friday, to make an entire week of exercising daily.

Unfortunately I rolled my ankle at Karate two weeks ago, it turned purple, then yellow and swelled up like a tennis ball. The swelling has gone down a lot, and the bruising is fading, but it is still hurting, and painful to press on the ankle bone. I had wanted to start the C25K program again this week, but I might just give it a few more days and see how the ankle progresses.

Karate has been a bit slow lately, I dont feel like I have been progressing very much, I have spoken to some of the more experienced members in our training sessions, and they have all assured me that they have experienced the same kind of thing, at first it is all hard, then you suddenly get it, and it becomes easier, then you find out that what you GOT, you need now to change because it is not as simple as it was first taught to you as... what the...? I guess it is like anything, you start out and its hard, you get going and things are great, then you hit a plateau that you have to work your way through - so right now I think I am on the Karate plateau. The funny thing is when I hit a weight loss plateau I feel like giving up, in fact often I do, but this Karate plateau seems more like a phase that I have to go through, but I dont have the urge to give up, I am just more determined to train harder and get over it. If only I could work through the weight loss like it was karate.

New Look

After accidently finding a site with some templates for blogging I decided to try a new look. I like it. I downloaded the template from Caz, check out her blog here if you like it.

I have not gone through and finished updating the links and such as time is short today and it is First sons birthday. I still cant get me head around the fact that I am the mother of a ten year old boy! That makes me feel my age a little.

Had the conversation with the kids today, quite hilarious really, it came about quite by accident, and I found out that Number One Son, James, knows quite a bit more about how babies are made than I realised. DD, Jane, spied a box of tamp0ns sitting on the fridge and asked what that pink box was for, so I started the explaining about p3riods in the most simple manner I could. Jane is only seven so I did not think she needed much, part way through my explanation James chimes in about how babies grow from an egg and a sp3rm from the mum and the dad, you know the whole conception idea... thankfully no one asked exactly how the egg and the sp3rm got together as I dont think Jane or 3 year old Joan are quite ready for that explanation, but I do think I will need to talk to James in the near future to check out exactly how much he does know LOL.

James has two friends coming over for dinner tonight, then staying for a sleepove which should prove noisy, we got him a new bike for his birthday, but unfotunately the man about the house has not been about the house long enough to finish assembling the bike, so he wont be able to use it until the weekend. And dont think I am impressed with man not about the house, we have had the bike in the garage for over a week, but he is too caught up in his own concerns to spare a thought for any one else at the moment. I think he has definitely forgotten what it feels like to be ten and to have a birthday, I remember the excitement, when you did not have to patience to wait another week to be able to ride your new bike. I am V cranky with him right now, and not sure if I will be ready to forgive him in a short space of time.

The weekend camping trip was great, will post more about that later once I have some photos to go with it, the only sour point was after we came home, an argument, which is still unresolved three days later kind of took some of the shine off the weekend.

More later.

Short and sweet

Made it to pump again today, and I trained at karate last night. So exercise wise things are looking OK this week. I turned my ankle at training on Saturday and it is a beautiful purple and yellow now... ouch. I did not let it stop me though, just gritted my teeth and finished the training session. It was very sore on Monday, and I skipped training to give it a rest, but it is feeling much better now, so hopefully it is behind me now.

Once my ankle is recovered enough I plan to start running again. I started a few weeks ago but was unable to continue due to various injuries, so I guess it will be back to the whole pain thing again this time.

Foodwise life sucks. I cant get my act together for more than one day. Once the kids are back at school I have to make a plan that will keep me on the straight and narrow.

We are off camping tomorrow morning, I cant wait. Four days of escaping the norm, and just kicking back and relaxing. I always tend to overeat on these trips, but I also do a lot of exercise, so lets hope the one is cancelled out by the other. Back on Tuesday.

I just talked to God

What a total crack up, go to IGod and have a chat :-)


Me: Hello God, how are you today?
God:Ah. Hello child. What is your name? My logic and cognitive functions are normal.
Me: My name is Joc
God: I am very pleased to meet you Joc.
Me: Can you tell me what the meaning of life is God?
God:Try expression yourself another way.
Me: what is the meaning of lfe?
God:Joc : Good semantic question. Are you testing me?
Me: Not at all
God:Next question?
Me: why cant elephants fly
God:Do you go to Church? You can find the answers in God.
Me: but you are god
God:Yup. That's me alright.
Me: i always imagined you would be less cheeky than this
God:Can you think of one instance when you ever did it?
Me: two or three even
God:As Bertrand Russel said, it must have taken ages for people to realize that a brace of pheasants and a couple of days are both instances of the number "two.".
Me: not too partial to pheasants myself
God:If not that, what?
Me: why do you let telemarketers continue to live?
God:It was the only thing I could think of.
Me: but they are so annoying
God:What bothers you about them?
Me: they call act like my best friends then try to rip me off
God:Who does "they" refer to?
Me: the telemarketers
God:What is that?Me: people who try to sell me things i dont want over the phone
God:Oh those people.
Me: well you created them
God:Interesting. Thanks for the information: Joc said I created them.
Me: you are god arent you
God:Yes, I am God.. Really.
Me: so that means you created all we have around us
God:Groovy. I get it. Thanks for telling me: Joc said I created all we have around us.
Me: you crack me up
God:Thanks I like talking with you too, Joc.
Me: good to talk to you god, i have to go have lunch now
God:Oh. Thanks for the compliment. You are who I want to talk with too.
Me: bye
God:Goodbye.

After a while you really do start to think that maybe you are really talking to God, I mean who knows what he/she really sound like, or would be likely to say. Made my day.

Inner demons...

The demon has struck again, you know that inner demon that whispers that a little bit more wont hurt, even though I really know it will. And I cant seem to resist it. This last week I have eaten more than my fair share of eveything going around. Even worse, I make excuses because the kids are on holidays that I am buying it for them, then I let them eat one serve, and finish off the rest when they are not looking. I HATE school holidays, my demon thinks it is a good excuse to abandon any good eating I have established and hoe into the crap.

At least I have one thing to be proud about, for the first time I did not put my gym membership on hold for the holidays, I booked all the kids into the creche and went to pump on Monday, and I have them booked in for Thursday too. One rose amongst the thorns in my behaviour. I have also continued Karate training through the holidays so at least my exercise is still looking OK.

We are off to Wombeyan Caves this weekend for three nights camping. Cant wait, should be fantastic. The winter has been so long this year (well it seemed longer than last winter anyway) we are all really needing to get away and breathe in some fresh air. It also breaks the school holidays in half so the kids wont have a chance to complain about being bored, which is a good thing too.

Well it is time to pull my head in and send the demon back to where it belongs. I know what I should be doing, now it is time to do it. NO MORE BISCUITS.

Absent again

Can you believe it, here it is almost a month since I last posted AGAIN. I need to spend less time reading other peoples blogs and more time writing my own. Unbelievably looking back over the last month, I cant even think of what I did worth recording. I so hate the winter. I seem to want to hibernate and spend all of my time wishing it were warm again. I dont even like to get out of the car to wait for the kids after school, I just want them to magically arrive on the back doorstep without me having to leave the house.

Last week mother nature played a cruel trick on me by showing me a glimpse of the spring weather, but low and behold winter has returned this week. Monday our top temperature was 11 degrees celcius. 11 DEGREES ARRRGGGHH. The cold brings out really depressive thoughts in me, I cant get motivated about much, and try to avoid any activity that exposes me to the outside elements, thus my weight suffers, and my spirit suffers. I cant even get enthused about meeting friends for coffee when I know I have to shiver my way out to the car, then into whatever venue is decided upon for the coffee. Then the whole way through I keep thinking about how the heating is not high enough and how cold I am, instead of basking in the warmth of my friends and feeling better that way. Sometimes I am just too pathetic for words.

But I am sure the spring will return soon, so I will have to grin and bear it till then, and stop being such a big baby about the cold LOL.

On a positive note, I have returned to the gym, pump classes twice a week. So that is a step in the right direction. Also today I walked past a shop window and saw the most gorgeous dress. I fell in love with it right away. So I went in, tried it on, got the expert opinion from my four year old DD, then laid out the cash for it. I have not a clue where I will ever wear it, but I just had to have it. It was $80.00, so not exorbitantly expensive, but expensive enough for the type of dress it is and the likely wear I will get out of it. I will just have to convince the DH to take me out for dinner more often this summer, then I can get some wear out of it, and feel really special doing it.

Till then it will languish in my wardrobe, and be dragged out occasionally to be sighed over. :-)

PROUD

God it is amazing, I cant explain how it feels, but I just feel so proud. Let me explain.

On Saturday I went to Karate training, and trained hard. Afterwards my son came racing over to me while I was talking with someone saying "Sensei wants to talk to you about grading" I naturally assumed it was about my sons grading as he was scheduled to go on Sunday, but no. Sensei decided I am ready to grade. I was so shocked, and immediately the nerves took over. I spent the whole night doing my kata in my sleep LOL I could not think about anything else much all day. Arriving at the grading hall I just felt sick...

You see I only graded to yellow belt eight weeks ago, and I have only done fourteen classes since then, everyone else lined up to grade in my group all have at least a months more experience than me, I felt like I was in the wrong place.

Any way I lined up, took a deep breath and decided to put in my best effort, and if I did not make it, I could at least know I had given it my best shot, so I did.

And I made it. I am now officiall 7th kyu, Orange belt. And I am so proud of myself. I feel like I have been walking on air for the last two days, and it feels so good. I cant wait to go to training tonight and put on my new belt for the first time. Imagine how good it must feel to get your black belt, if orange feels like this.

This is the first time in years that I have done anything totally for myself like this. Karate is starting to take over my life, but in such a good way. I automatically think of taking care of my body so that I can continue to improve in my training. I try to apply the discipline I need for training to other areas of my life and work. Our sensei once said that Karate is not just a martial art, but a way of life, and we all nodded wisely... but now I think I am beginning to understand.

So today I am proud of me.

Done, like a dinner

I finally pulled my finger out and finished my assignment. It is the last one for this unit, and it is late. So now I anxiously wait for a reply from my tutor to see if he will accept it, or if I fail the entire unit and have to do it again. I will be kind of pissed if I do, but really have no one to blame but myself. It was one of those things that I just kept putting off, I felt uncertain about how to do it and left it as long as possible before starting. I dont think the work I have submitted is that great either, but it should be enough to get me a pass.

I feel a certain sense of freedom now that it is done, it is like it is no longer pressing down on my conscience and nagging me... a bit like my mothers voice when I was a teenager. The difference now is that I am the one who is doing the nagging, even to myself LOL. I just seem to keep rebelling against myself. I have so much to do to finish this course, I have only completed two subjects, I am going to apply for RPL on the next one, then there is only one I can do that is flexible. After that I actually have to go back to school!! Next year I will be attending classes at the CIT (TAFE to NSW people) and having deadlines for assignments and things. I might even have to do group work, which does not thrill me as it does not really sit well with quality family time. I think I am a bit scared about going to the school for classes, I am so out of the whole study loop, plus most of the people I will be studying with will be almost twenty years younger than me.

I am getting closer to forty years of age, and I still have those horrible feelings of not fitting in with the crowd, people laughing at me or thinking I am not cool. My whole life I have struggled with this, and I have let it become an excuse for not following through, not finishing things. When does this kind of stuff get easier? When will I be old enough to not care what other people think or say about me? Defitely time to grow a thicker skin.

I dont say this to many people, but I am so afraid of failing at things, that often I will not even start them in the first place, or else I start them, then I procrastinate about doing any more. It pisses my man off big time. He hates that I just dont do anything. He often says I do nothing. He says he would rather I do something, even if it does not work out, becasue it is a whole lot better than doing nothing. We are so different in so many ways sometimes I wonder why we ever found each other attractive. I guess opposites do attract.

He is totally pissing me off this week. I know there is a lot of pressure on him about work and all, but he puts more pressure on himself that he really does not need to. And the money thing, yes it is nice to have a good salary coming in, but for God's sake, we were quite happy and able to cope financially twenty thousand dollars ago, so if he has to take a cut and go back twenty thousand to achieve a contentment in his job and his life, I just wish he would do it. I would rather he was happy and we owed a little more on the mortgage, than have him feel like all he does is work, and that his life just sucks. It is hard to help him when he wont help himself.

Well this post has turned into a big whinge hasn't it!! But then again this is my blog, and I can whinge if I want to.

On another note, I read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince yesterday, another very good reason not to do my assignment. I thought it was much better than the Order of the Phoenix, which dragged a bit for my liking. HBP was much lighter than its predecessor, although, lacking a little in storyline I felt. I guess it is kind of hard to keep the momentum going for seven books. Especially with the pressure JKRowling must have been feeling with all of the die hard fans hanging on every snippet of information about what will happen next. I will admit I scour the HP sites hoping for a crumb to keep me going until the next part of the story comes out, and even though I have not enjoyed the last two books as much as the first four, I am still hanging out to find out what happens to all my favourite characters in the end.

The only real dissapointment to me is that once you have finished thats it, there is no more until the next book is released in another year or two. I love to read, and I devour books fairly quickly, then I wish I had taken it slower and been able to enjoy it for just that bit longer. It happens with all good books that I read. I also find it hard to not read a book that I have started, even if it sucks, same with TV, once I start I just have to find out what happens, even if it is total tripe in the end. There must be some real flaw in my personality that I will continue to read a book or watch a move that I dont even like! Its a bit like how I stay friends with people I dont like too. Why do I do that? Sometimes I dont want to hurt their feelings, but other times I dont know what it is, maybe I am just too lazy to even bother with telling someone to piss off, and then have to deal with the fall out.

I know that I dont do conflict well, it is something that I have discussed many times with my best friend, my youngest sister, we will call her Lucy. Lucy and I have both confided that we never remember our parents fighting, and that we get overly concerned when we are in a fight ourselves. When I argue with my man I am very defensive, I lose track of the argument, and I just cant think of any reply to things he says. If he accuses me of something I get all hurt and back into a corner, and he keeps goading me until I explode and say things that I dont even mean or think about. When I reply I just grab at words, some of them not even true, but I feel so angry and I dont know how to express that anger to him. It does not help that he is very volatile, so as soon as he hears something that lights his fuse he just comes back at me so strong. I have known for years that he has a foul temper, and that he loves to unleash his anger and shout me down, and I have never learned how to deal with it. Shouting back does not seem to help, he just shouts louder, and saying nothing and trying to walk away does not work either, he follows until he feels finished. When things are the other way around and I am cranky, he walks away and tells me to leave him alone. Why is he allowed to do that and I am not? The balance of power is definitely tilted in his favour when we argue, and I dont know how to change that.

Well I think I have ranted long enough now. Time to go and do something ... anything...

So much time so little change

Well I am officially still at 77kg, which is where I was when I started my re start program over a month ago. So I have not gotten very far with my weight loss. On other aspects of life in general I have been working more often, which has been great, I always wanted to be a stay at home mum, but the reality of it is just not what I envisioned. I never thought I would find it so boring. There are moments which are fantastic, and I love that. But at other times I just long to have something a little more challenging or rewarding.

I am sure that anyone who is forced to return to work after having children finds a comment like the last one distasteful, as I probably would have if the shoe was on the other foot, but for me lately it is true. My youngest is about to turn four, and is quite self sufficient and able to entertain herself quite adequately without even resorting to TV. I know that motherhood is supposed to be the most rewarding job on the planet, but it is not always true. There are moments of true joy, moments of sheer exhiliration even, but more often there are moments of despair, how will I ever mould these little people into worthwhile human beings with all my human failings, and there are those moments when you wonder, why do I even bother?

This is made worse by being partnered with a fairly unsupportive mate. He thinks all things to do with child rearing that are sort of distasteful are my responsibility. He also thinks my life is so cushy, and that I sit around all day entertaining myself. Well I do a bit only because the boredom would kill me otherwise... Last Friday we had a child free evening, so went out for dinner together, he managed to make me feel really good by telling me that he appreciates so much what I do, and knows that he could never do it as well as I do (ie looking after the sproglets), then he starts going on at me about all of my past failures, about how I dont do enought with my "talents" God knows which ones he is referring to, to make money or improve my lot in life.

He does not understand, and never has, that there are a few little issues for me. 1. Confidence - I dont feel that I can do it, I dont feel I have the knowledge or the contacts to do it. 2. TIME - when the hell am I supposed to do it??? Six hours of my day I have three children underfoot, six hours I have one, he does nothing around the house to help out, so all household stuff gets done by me or not at all, and some days I am just too tired to make any huge forays into becoming a self made millionaire.

So anyway there is just a part of my bitch about HIM. He is also giving me grief all of a sudden about the work I do. Currently I do about one day a fortnight clerical duties for my boss, which involves going to his home office to invoice and pay bills and other general office duties. The rest of the time I work from home transcribing interviews (we do mostly medico legal investigations). As the year progresses I hope to be doing more clerical stuff as well as continuing the transcribing. Now it is not brain surgery, doesnt require too much effort, but the pay is OK and I can take my four year old with me to work so I am not paying for childcare yet. Next year I will work three days a week while she is in preschool, so there will be a little bit of money coming out of my wages there, but then she is in school so all my earnings are used for the good of the family (and the good of my wardrobe too LOL). So as far as I can see I currently have the dream job, work around my kids and not pay childcare, my sisters would kill for this kind of job, so why is he so negative.

He needs to take a chill pill. And so do I now, enough of my rant, I feel strangely better now. :-))

Sick of feeling sick...

A couple of weeks ago I got a cold, then my DH and all three kids got it, now I have it back again. And this time it is even worse than before. The last five days I have had a headache that is immune to panadol (thank God for the nurofen I got last night), and my sinuses have been completely blocked.

So I have not done any exercise for a few weeks and I have not been particularly interested in worrying about what I eat, if it is quick to prepare and almost nutritious it will do.

Today is the first day I have felt vaguely human, but still so tired. Please let this be almost over.

Portion control

I read that a stomach can hold about two cups of substance or about half a litre, so I am working on portion control by keeping my serving sizes to less than two cups of food or drink to try and avoid that overfull feeling that keeps me awake at night.

I wonder if thise means I will feel more hungry more often or if this is really enough to keep me satisfied for the day if I eat three meals and two pieces of fruit.

I will update the results of my very scientific research over time. :-))

Aboard the rollercoaster

Last week started out well, first session of HIIT, motivated to do the things I need to do to lose this weight, but somehow after the first day things just hit a downhill... how far down? A fair way. I have no excuses that even sound plausible, I just did not make myself make the effort, I gave in far too easily and let myself down.

On the exercise front the rain interfered, but really I am not made of sugar, and I could walk in the rain, it is only a little bit uncomfortable but not life threatening. I could have used a skipping rope to do HIIT in the backyard when the rain was holding off for a short time. I only need four minutes.

And the food. Well the bread, butter and vegemite made an appearance this week, each afternoon, it was like a PMS binge, except that I am over PMS for this month. I know I really need to get over this, I need a huge kick up the bum to get me stumbling in the right direction.

I weighed myself on Thursday and came face to face with a 500g gain, aaarrrggghhh. No less than I deserved you could say, but still hard to face up to. I weighed again on Saturday and was 1kg lighter so who knows what the right result really was. I think the gain was mostly carb bloat after the copious amounts of bread I ate earlier in the week, but who knows it could be real.

Friday was a much more controlled day, in fact I ate less than normal but I was really listening to my body and it was telling me it was not hungry so who am I to argue. Saturdaya was OK too, 1.5 hours of karate training was good, and I ate reasonably all day. Dinner was good, although slightly oversized portions due to having guests and letting it all go. Bad habit, but overall the damage was slight, and much better than I have been in the past. I am getting better at the eating in groups thing over time, one day I might be able to say I have it under control.

Today has not been bad food wise either. I need to eat more fruit and drink more water, but the choices otherwise have been normal and moderately sized. Now to just do the same tomorrow and add a bit more exercise.

Pass me a bucket...

Did my first HIIT session this morning. Now I know I am a bit out of shape for running, but I did not realise just how much till about 7.00am this morning when I completed my third minute of HIIT. Three down one to go, pass me a bucket PLEEAASE!

The fourth minute was sheer hell, admittedly I really pushed myself hard, after all it is only four minutes, and what is the point if you are only doing it half heartedly. I continued walking for another twenty minutes afterward, and it took about ten of those before I felt I wasnt about to throw up.

So it has begun. Now if I could get my head around the eating I would be well on the way, but I was so exhausted for the rest of the day I just ate whatever came to hand without much effort. More planning needs to be done for my next HIIT day which will be on Thursday.

An hour of Karate training tonight, a half hour walk in the morning and two hours of bowling, and twenty minutes of pilates tomorrow will cover my exercise for the next fortyeight hours.

What am I afraid of?

I have been trying to work out what it is that makes me keep eating, what is my payoff? I have some ideas floating around about what they might be, although nothing is really concrete yet.

All my life I have been terrified of rejection, of not being good enough. I dont really know why, maybe I never will, my parents were normal, my childhood was normal, I have no really good reasons for why I felt this way that I can think of, but still I do.

I remember in high school my best friend was very popular with the opposite sex, they liked to talk with me and have a joke, but they wanted to be her boyfriend. I never felt I was as good as her, to me she was always pretty, confident all that I wanted to be. She on the other hand struggled with her own issues that I never knew about until we were in our twenties, she had been bulimic for a lot of her teenage years trying to lose weight. Who knew? Not me, I always thougth she had it all. She obviously did not.

I remember some of her ex boyfriends starting to pay attention to me after they broke up, up front I felt flattered, but underneath I was seething with the thought that I was only ever second best, and why were they only interested after things had not worked out with my friend.

I always wanted to be someones favourite, someones first choice, and it never happened. I have never broken up with anyone, I have always been the one who is left, never the leaver. I wonder if deep down my fear of being left stemmed from thinking that I was not good enough, and that it would not be long before others worked this out then walked out on me. I wonder if I have justified over eating and being over weight with the thought that they will leave me at some stage anyway, so if I am fat they will just leave sooner, that way I dont have to prolong the agony. Lets just get the rejection happening, and get the pain over and done with, pass me the ice cream....

Unplannned... thats me

Apologies devoted reader I have neglected you again LOL. Life just seems to be busy right now, weight loss is going nowhere, and I have nothing exciting or insightful to say. Am currently working my way through Dr Phils Seven Keys, very interesting reading. I know I am getting the exercise and the planned eating right these days, but it is the unplanned stuff, the emotional eating that is really stuffing me around. With Dr Phil I will get my head around it before too long and then my life will be free from food issues forever YAY.

Dont you love my positivity! With an attitude like this I cant fail.

Cheerio

Success at last

After much frustration I have worked out how to upload photos to my blog, YAY!! Next thing I will have to do it set up a separate blog for photos so that I can keep the family updated with pics of the kids and our holiday snaps. So much to do so little time LOL.

Finally we have worked out how to get these photos on line. From here on in I will be able to send all kinds. 

Here is me and my daughter 

Wadbilliga National Park 

Sleepwalking through the days

Everything feels like it is moving in slow motion in my head this week. Yesterday I fell asleep four times during the day! Four times! What is with me.

I ate really badly yesterday through the day so that is probably the biggest culprit. I really have to try and do better today because I have too much to do to be able to sleep the day away.

Bit more motivated this morning, the house is done and the kids are dressed all before ten o clock today, first time in a while LOL. This whole school holiday thing really gets you feeling lazy.

The whole weight loss thing is going nowhere this week. I have the breakfast under control, I am walking for half an hour most mornings (this morning I made an exception due to the midday naps yesterday), and tea is always healthy. It is just the hours between 10.00am and 5.00pm that I really am struggling with. If only I could come up with some healthy tasty lunch options that don't require a lot of prep. Most days I just grab the most convenient thing to hand as I am perpetually lazy.

I have a huge pile of work to type this week so its time to get off the computer and start earning some money...

Lucky I have no readers...

because if I did they would all have left by now anyhow, given the time between updates on my blog here. Busy is the only way to describe life right now, kids home on school holidays, transcribing to be done and assignments to start and finish.

I have been researching a lot lately, looking for information on writing, hints and tips, things not to do etc. In the process I discovered a new author whom I think I will really enjoy. A link led me to her website, and the whole tone of the site really appealed to me. She also has excerpts from her books available, ususally the first chapter. Already I am dying to find out what happens next, so off to the bookstore we go to see if any of her work is available here. Unfortunately some of the authors I want to read at the moment are unavailable in Australia, which means waiting, waiting, waiting... although Mum is going to try and pick some up in London for me if possible YAY!

Weight wise things are not looking rosy after the wedding last weekend in Manly. A gain of 800g this week puts me back up close to 76kg again. So back on the straight and narrow this week in pursuit of my lowest weight for 2005.

One thing that I really noticed this weekend is how much eating badly really makes me feel bad. I had really awful indigestion on Saturday night and just felt so slow on Sunday and Monday. I am sure not enough sleep and too much rich food and alcohol are the culprits and I have to cut these bad habits from my life. I am getting too old now to put up with feeling bad all the time.

Time to make my life a healthy place.

Passing time

Well I still cant get the images to upload, the software keeps freezing on me, darn it. But I will give it another go this week and see what I come up with.



I managed to get some exercise in today, walked for half an hour before lunch, and thankfully the pain has almost fully gone. Just in time to stretch it all again tomorrow with another pump class LOL. Thankfully the worst is over and it is time now to start seeing some results.



I tried on the dress I want to wear to a wedding in April, and it fits!! :-))))



So another nine weeks slogging at the gym will either see it fitting really well, and displaying my honed muscles, or it will see me buying a new sexy dress in a smaller size, either way I will be really happy about that.



I am procrastinating here, as I should be studying right now, so I had better pull my finger out and get too it. I really need to get this coursework finished and pass my exam before the end of the month. I will be really dissappointed with myself if I stuff it up.

Pain and shopping, do they go hand in hand?

OMG the pain....



Went back to the gym yesterday after six weeks break.



OMG the pain...



and I know tomorrow will be worse, as I usually dont get bad until day two or three. Thankfully by Monday the pain will be gone again, then I will be at the gym again to start it all over.... no it will never be as bad again, at least not until I stop for another six week break. I always say I will keep going through the summer break, but it just seems such a hassle taking all the kids to the creche, especially when we would not otherwise be going out.



Had a shocker eating day on Wednesday, which sort of continued a bit yesterday although not quite as bad. Thankfully today I have things back under control. If I do that too often I will end up gaining on my first bootcamp weigh in instead of losing.



Went shopping this morning and spent too much money at Target getting new clothes for the kids. I still have more to get too, but I just could not look around any longer, I was getting too frustrated. What is it with my three year old that she thinks evertime I start browsing she can just wander off and browse too, I mean really!



Luckily this afternoon I dont have to go and pick up the kids from school as they both have play dates with friends. So I can fool around here for another hour or two before they come home. I want to try and upload some photos so thats what I will experiment with now.

Stupid antivirus protection

I am nearly fed up with this stupid computer. We do the right thing, get the anti virus software installed and then all it does is interfere with my internet connection and disconnect me all the time. Arggghh!



I am trying to finish my current course on website design, and everytime I try to log in to study I waste up to an hour trying to get the connection to stay. The only way around it is to disable the virus protection, but that is not a good idea. So I just keep logging back in time after time till I get a stable connection.



Good news on the study front though. After talking with a friend this afternoon I now have a case study to use, a real case too. Not just a company I had to invent, so I am very excited about this.



As for the weight loss, not much going on there. I managed to maintain over the holidays, and I am tracking again, but I have to pull my finger out on the exercise front. Bootcamp started today. Back to the gym for Pump and half an hour of cardio. I am committed for Monday and Tuesday next week as well, so hopefully that will give me good news on the scales on Wednesday.



The writing is still on the back burner for the next four weeks, till the study is finished on March 4. Then I plan a two week break between units so I can write for a bit.



So life is looking pretty busy for me till then.

Sometimes I have things to say...

Then again sometimes I dont too. I started this blog today so that I can put my thoughts down and talk about things that are important to me right now.



All my life I have thought about writing, and at times I have actually done some. But it is time to really push myself a bit and take it on a bigger scale. I started writing my first book last year, but due to too many commitments put it on the back burner. It is time to get it moving again.



I could not get to sleep last night with all of the commotion in my head, the ideas are there, just waiting for me to let them out. I will have to get around to it soon or I will never get any sleep and then I will be even grumpier with my kids than I am today!