Feeling better now

Thanks so much for your kind words, it helped me feel a little more normal and a little less neurotic lol to know there are other people who understand those feelings. Its funny the power of putting your thoughts out there though, once they are out of my head and in writing it allows me to stop stressing over the thoughts relentlessly, and just get on with things.

This morning I took him to the bus, all of his mates were waiting for him, he was really excited, and his teachers were all acting so normally it was easy to let go. A sign of how much closer he is to being a teenager was the fact that he grudgingly hugged me goodbye, rather than giving a heartfelt hug, but I guess a guy has to keep face in front of his mates ;-)

All of the excitement of the morning rubbed off on me a bit too, I could feel it in the air, I dont think too many of them got a good nights sleep last night, all too busy anticipating the big day. I am just glad that I wont have to spend the next four hours on the bus with them - I'd need a va1ium after that for sure!

The weekend here was really laid back, and we had RAIN! I had forgotten how lovely it was to stay inside with a good book while the rain slides down the windows outside.

Today I am volunteering in my daughters kindergarten class. I have twenty two cute little kits all made up on my scrapping desk, and KE are making Mothers Day cards after lunch today. I tried to keep the design really simple, but still cute, so hopefully they will like it. My daughter is really excited about me coming in to her classroom, so at least one of my children still wants to be known to me in public lol.

Better go now, I have lots of blog reading to catch up on before I head out. Will post pictures tomorrow of the cards we make today.

Cheers

Anxiety

You know that feeling... tight chest, rapid breathing, rolling stomach, quicksilver thoughts, and that general feeling of not feeling right?

I cant seem to shake it this week. I have spend ages each night struggling with it before falling asleep, then it is there again when I wake for just a split second before the morning mayhem starts. My son is going to school camp next Monday. He will be gone for five days and four nights. That is the longest he has ever been away from home, ever. And I am not coping with it quite as well as I thought I would.

Up until now each time he has stayed away from home he has been only a few streets away, or with his grandparents. This time he will be two hours drive away, with people I dont know, and with a couple of teachers from his school and his friends.

He is so excited, and I wish that I could share that with him, but its so hard letting go, he's my first born.

I know its stupid to get this anxious about it, and I know kids do this all the time, and they have a great time, and they come home safely, and I am being a big wuss, so feel free to tell me to take a deep breath and get a grip, because I have been saying the same thing to myself all week :) and if you feel so inclined send out a thought to the universe that my boy has the best time at camp and comes home safely. Thanks.

Addendum to the Pantry Saga

Hi I know I've been away for a while, I went to Sydney to spend a week with my family before they move out of my childhood home. There were moments of intense joy, I was able to spend time with my two newest nieces and get to know them a bit, and there were moments of sweet sadness. The home I grew up in is soon to house a new family. I am so glad I had the chance to say goodbye to the old house.

My nieces are just too beautiful for words, born in November and December last year, they are both contented happy little souls, and it was such a pleasure spending time with them.

We had a dinner last Wednesday night with my parents. The kids were all put to bed, or sent out to watch a video in the rumpus room while Mum, Dad, myself, my brother and two sisters sat down for dinner together for the first time in ages, and the last time in our old home. Usually we have all the extras, husbands and aunties and uncles and kids, this meal we decided was just for us. I am so glad we did it.

The funny thing about this is that Mum and Dad are not actually moving far, they have subdivided their block of land, and are building a new house on the new block. They will have a new street address, but will only really be just over the fence from the old house. It will seem really weird going to the new house and seeing stranger in our old backyard.

I am proud to say that while I was there I didn't do the old pantry thing. This is the pantry where all of my pantry bingeing habits started, last week it was just like any other old cupbard to me. I didn't scope it out to see what treats were lurking there. I was very proud of myself. I feel like I can leave that chapter behind me now. So to close it off I give you this:



Thats the pantry as I used to see it, and this:



The pantry as it is now, both literally and figuratively :)

Back to regular posting soon

xxx

Brief update

Not much time to post, but I wanted to check back in and give you a brief summary of my visit to the kinesiologist (Soozie). Wow she was fantastic, and it was fantastic. It became pretty clear pretty early on that I have issues with control (and not the Maxwell Smart kind). I feel like I have been under someone elses control for so much of my life, and the very few times I have taken control of my life, I have been ridiculed or put down for the choices I made.

And it wasn't because these choices were bad, they just didn't fit in with the image of me that the people around me had, it made them uncomfortable that I wasn't being reliable, predictable Joc, and I wasn't just bowing to their wishes, and taking their advice, and making them feel better about themselves in the process.... OMG catch a whiff of resentment in my words there anyone?

I have spent so much of my life trying to fit into other peoples expectations of me, that I have barely taken time to work out who I want me to be. For the past 12 months these thoughts have been simmering in my brain, the name of this blog kind of points to that, but meeting with Soozie on Monday, I found myself imaging myself as I would like to be. And I like me. I know there will be some people, mostly people from my past, who wont like me, but their opinions are becoming less and less relevant to me these days.

Each of my spikes in weight gain/loss activity have been as a result of my feeling controlled by other people or circumstances or opinions other than those of my choosing.

I have so much more I would like to say on this subject, so I will be back with another post soon when I have more time. Thanks to everyone who has commented on the pantry bingeing, I feel so much more normal knowing that other people share this problem. I have taken on everyones thoughts on this to consider.

More soon xxx

Coming out of the pantry...

Thanks you lovely people for your comments on my last post. It was good to have some different perspectives on the issue. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it since the weekend, and at this point I think some of you have identified the correct cause.

As a kid my mum was pretty strict with what we were allowed to eat, she portioned out our afternoon tea after school each day, poured out our breakfast cereal, made our lunches and our tea, all of it in the serving sizes she thought we should have. A lot of the time I still felt unsatisfied afterwards, so when she wasn't around I would sneak into the pantry and because I only had a limited window of opportunity I would scoff as much as I could of whatever I could reach.

To be honest I don't know if I ever thought of talking to her about it, or asking if I could have some more. In our house mum was the "boss", what she said was law, so asking for food other than at proper meal times just didn't happen. I was a really active teenager, I played, coached or umpired netball seven days a week, so everyday I was on the go, so maybe I wasn't getting enough food for the amount of activity I was doing. Basically I think I turned to scoffing in the pantry to avoid dealing with my mother about breaking one of her house rules.

I've always been a bit scared of confrontation (that is a whole nother post of its own lol) and I probably shirked it by hiding while I ate what I perceived was stuff I wasn't supposed to have.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am a grown up now, and if I am hungry, I am allowed to eat. I don't have to wait till everyone is gone and sneak the food in. I also need to look at how I feed my children in an effort to avoid this being a problem for them too.

Anyway must fly, thanks for reading. I'll be back with more later in the week when life is a bit quieter xxx

Am I avoiding me?

We are going out to dinner tonight, but right now I am home alone. The kids and DH have gone to pick up Grandpa from the airport, then they will come back for me and we'll go to the restaurant. It was DH's birthday on Thursday, so we decided it would be fun for us all to go out together. We don't take the kids to restaurants that often with us. (and you should see the girls with their eyeshadow and their lipstick on lol they are 5 and 8 years old!).

Anyway the reason I am posting is because as soon as I shut the door on them, and came inside I had this mad urge to eat. I am not hungry, and I know that there will be good food tonight, so I want to have enough space to enjoy it. I am not feeling sad, or stressed or anything else like that. The only thing is this, I am at home alone, and I feel like I should head straight to the pantry! Not good.

I always do this. As soon as everyone is gone, I will stand in the pantry and scoff down as much food as I can, sometimes it is "naughty" stuff, and I know there is no such thing as naughty food, but for the purposes of reference, everyone will know what I mean by naughty food, but sometimes it is just cereal or yogurt or fruit. The thing that makes it stupid is that as soon as I am alone I think I should eat. Why is this so.

I always thought I enjoyed my own company, to be honest I still think I do, but maybe I am wrong. Maybe by chowing down as soon as I am left with myself it helps me avoid myself. There's some thinking to do there.

Anyway I have caught myself today, I have spoken rationally to myself about whether I really need to eat, and instead of being in the pantry, I am here telling you guys about my weird eating habits. I still need to dry my hair, and wrangle it with the straightener, and paint my toenails, so I'll go now, but thanks for saving me from myself ;-) having you guys to tell these things to helps you know.

Have a good weekend xxx

Inspirational reading

Just browsing some blogs catching up on posts that I may have missed, or reading back through blogs I have only recently discovered when I found this post from Lisa Jane .

It spoke volumes to me, I love the way she has got inside the whole weight loss issue. I am trying to listen more to my body these days, to eat what I want, but only what I want, not just to keep stuffing myself when my body is not hungry, and working on moving more in my days.

I am sure most people who drop by here already read Lisa Jane's blog, but if you don't do yourself a favour and go for a visit.