Getting the ball rolling

I have done lots of thinking over the last few days, funny what thinking you might have cancer will do to you. Sadly I have not come up with all of the answers for all of the woes of the world, but I have come up with some for me.

I am determined more than ever now that I need to change my life. I need to lose weight, I need to become fitter, I need to put myself as a priority.

This last one flies in the face of all that I ever believed being a good mother was. I always had this idea that my kids must come first in all things, and that I could do with second best as long as they were happy. But you know what? It just is not working for me. I feel so drained of whatever it was that made me, ME.

It is like the best of me is gone, it has all been invested into my kids, and because it has not been topped up in me, I am empty. So now I am becoming the worst kind of parent, I am apathetic, I am disinterested, I feel guilty all the time that I dont give them the attention they deserve.

So that is the problem. What is the solution you ask? Well I am not entirely sure to be honest, but baby steps will be involved, and putting myself first will feature heavily in the plan.

This week the first baby step is that I will go for my walk each day, even if it is only for fifteen minutes, and everyone else in the house can just wait for that fifteen to thirty minutes before having their needs seen to, and I will not feel guilty about it! :-)

Wake up call

Thankfully the tests have come back clear. I am relieved.

It has made me think though, what if they hadn't, what if I really had breast cancer?

There is still so much in my life that I want to do, some days I don’t make myself get up off my lazy arse and do the things I should, and the things I want. How badly would I feel about that if I knew my days could be numbered. (Well I know they are numbered anyway, its just how high the number is that counts)

Anyway it has got me thinking about the time that I waste on things that don’t make me happy, the money I waste on things I don’t really want or need (how sad is that), and the quality of the time I have. I don’t want to waste another ten years feeling fat and frumpy and totally sick of myself. I don’t want to waste another ten years wondering if I could get my business ideas into a working form. I don’t want to waste another ten years without connecting properly with my family and friends.

Its time to wake up!!

I want to live, not just exist.

Thanks to those who commented and emailed, your thoughts were very much appreciated :-)

Limbo

All my life I have been afraid of the spectre of breast cancer. My Aunt found out she had breast cancer when I was very young, in fact I cant remember her from before that time. She was in her thirties and was pregnant with her second child. She died in her mid forties after fighting the disease for more than ten years. She was my mothers eldest sister. My great grandmother, my grandmother and my great Aunt also had breast cancer, although none of them died due to it. I have always regularly done self exams, and have lived with the thought that one day it could be me. Each time someone high profile is diagnosed, especially when they are as young or younger than me it gives me chills.

So you can imagine how I felt when I found a lump last week.

I have just come back from having a mammogram and ultrasound. I don't have the results yet, that will be tomorrow afternoon after 2pm.

Surprisingly I am very calm, I have been vigilant, as soon as I found something I went to have it checked out, so I know if this is it, then I have caught it early.

So right now all I can do is wait.

Holiday update

Finally back. The camping was great, the weather held out and we had a fantastic time. I decided I was not going to sit on the beach fully dressed worrying about how fat I might look if I put on my swimmers, and I just jumped on in. I am so glad I did.

For so many years now thats what I have been doing, going to the beach fully dressed, and sitting on the sand minding the towels while the kids get in the water. I am sick of that. It is my own fault that I am in the shape I am in, but there is no need to punish myself futher by depriving myself of an activity I enjoy just because I am worried about what other people will think about how I look. That doesn't mean I was totally comfortable with it - I wasnt, but I tried to forget about that and just have fun. And I did.

I had almost forgotten how much I love to get in the ocean. We took snokelling gear as we were camped at a perfect spot for it, and it was awesome. So many fish and corals, just so much to see. I ended up staying in for over an hour, the water was warm, even though it was Mid April and half way through Autumn, and the sun was shining. I took me back to a time in my life when I was truly happy.

Then in the afternoon we went to the surf beach and I spent a couple of hours catching waves with the kids and the DH. Magic. I had forgotten how good it feels to catch the perfect wave and ride it all the way to the shore. I just regret the number of years I have denied myself this fun.

Unfotunately it was not all roses - the DH again took it upon himself to have a tantrum and take the shine off the holiday just a little bit. It makes me so cranky when he does this. His tantrums are nearly always over something small, but his reactions are big. So big that sometimes the argument can continue for days - I kid you not, we have experienced one where he did not speak a single word to me for a week. If that was one of the kids they would be in big trouble, but for some reason he is "allowed" to do it and we should all just accept it.

Easter morning should have been heaps of fun with the kids, we had everything planned to hide the eggs and do an egg hunt with them when he upped and stomped off to the beach on his own. Thankfully the other family who were with us were happy to go on without him, so my youngest DD still had her egg hunt (she is only four) while James (10) followed his father to the beach. By the afternoon all was well again, but it still bugs me that he does it. He even joked about it later how everyone knows he is a grumpy sod, but that is not fair. He is an adult, he should learn not to inflict his grumpies on other people like that, especially when it has the potential to ruin a special day for one of the kids.

Still we continued on our holidays, we went to Sydney to stay with my parents for a week and play tourist around Sydney. The first two days were fantastic, then it all went to sh*t and we spent the next two days in stony silence. Again a tantrum about something minor, that was blown completely out of proportion. It would not be so bad, but he gets enraged, he yells, or if we are somewhere he can be overheard yelling, he does this venomous muttering. He is hurtful, unfair and far too angry - and I hate it.

Sadly for him it backfired slightly on him this time, as we then spent an entire day at my parents, and my mum and dad were able to see what he can be like, and I had an entire day with my mum able to chat and talk about things. For the first time I was able to tell her a bit more about what he can be like when he gets like this, and she could see it for herself - not that he was rude to her or dad, but it was obvious his attitude to me. She and dad ended up by telling me that if things dont improve and I want to leave him they are with me completely. Funny thing is I always knew they would be, but to hear them say it makes it so much more real, and feels so much more supportive.

Since we have been back home I have been keeping a diary of when we argue, and what it was about. I need to take full stock of what the situation is, then make some decicions about my future with him. Funny since I started that he has been on his best behaviour, I think he knows he over stepped the bounds and has been trying to make amends. We will see what happens I guess.

In the mean time I am trying to keep myself busy organising my little/big project. So much to do so little time LOL...

School holidays, ya gotta love em

That time is here again, the school holidays. So in the morning we pack up the car - shoving junk in for all we are worth until we can squeeze the doors shut, strap the tent to the roofrack and venture off to the coast for six days of camping. Hopefully there will still be a site available for us as there are no bookings taken in the spot we are heading for.

Six days with the kids and the husband, and no access to electronic devices ie computers, televisions or microwaves, not to mention no running water - I must be mad.

Well heres hoping the weather is good, I will be back in a week or so :-)

Fearful moments...

It never ceases to amaze me the number of times I read someone's blog and find they are struggling with the same kinds of things as me, and I thought I was such an individual ;-P.

Take for example this from Dietgirl talking about epiphanies. I especially like this comment;

"There is no Great Moment - just a moment when you start doing something about it"

It sounds so simple, so why is it so hard to recognize it and just do it. Then I read about Miss Mia becoming fearless here, both of these things, moments and fearlessness are things I have been struggling with, and then starting to overcome in the last six months.

I realise that it is only in fairytales or movies where the music swells, all eyes in the room connect and a great revelation is brought forth. In real life you are usually elbow deep in dishes, a child screaming in the background, and the TV blaring when a tiny thought slips though your brain. Months later you remember that thought and think about it some more. Half a year later it again butts against your consciousness. Twelve months later a plan starts forming, but you tell yourself "I could never do that" only people who are "smarter" "more committed" "richer" "thinner" "prettier", insert your own word here you get the picture.

This is where the fearlessness comes in for me. I had a small idea, the idea grew, it started to intrude on my thoughts all the time, I started to dream it - imagine its reality, I started to get excited about it - then the fear came in and stomped all over it and sent it away again.

But you know what? I still think it is a good idea, and I think other people think it is a good idea. If only I wasn't so afraid of what might happen, if only I could get my act together.

I am sick of being afraid too. I have taken steps, I have reached that moment where I am starting do something about it. I'm almost to the stage where I am ready to go with this idea, now I just need to find the courage of my convictions, so if any of you see them hanging around on the corner, tell them I need them back here at home and send them back to me.

On a good note physically, I am back at the gym three times a week. My knee is showing dramatic improvements, I don't believe the ortho surgeon thought it would ever improve to the state it is in now, and I still think there is more improving to be done. I actually ran for two minutes on the treadmill on Friday (yes it nearly killed me) but it didn't hurt my knee, only my lungs :-)) I feel so much better knowing that I can start again with my fitness, which will then kick some weight loss into gear. I am working on fitness first this time, rather than worrying about the scales, and I feel so much better about this.

Back again

Goll I am surprised blogger even let me in to post it has been that long since I was here. Not all that much to say at the moment, or more so not that much time for saying it. I have been super busy planning a little project (or if all things go according to spec a "big" project) So lots of my energy has been put into that lately.

Also been glued to the heart breaking saga going on in Noras world. I am hoping and praying that things work out well for her.

Also spent a bit of time perusing other scrappers blogs. Anyone out there who enjoys scrapping should check out Ali Edwards, she inspires me big time.

And a quick thanks to Trish for her comments, she is a local girl (well local for me) and has a real flair for writing, witty, insightful and fun.

As for all of my other blog friends, I am back and looking forward to catching up on all you have been up to very soon.

J