Making Choices

Thanks Jenny and Zanna for you comments, I admire both of you so much, and see you as such strong positive women - you are both my role models (except I don't think I will ever own as many shoes as you Z lol).

There has been lots of talking, lots of thinking and a little angst over the past few days. I decided to go to the christening, and I told DH* that was what I was going to do. He argued a bit, but I didn't back down.

Then I received more emails from my friend, and the content didn't make me happy. They were specifically guilt inducing, which she knows works so well on me, and made me feel manipulated.

So I sat down and really thought about it. I thought about why I should or shouldn't go, I thought about if I had ever treated one of my closest friends the way she has this week. Her email repeatedly said she was cancelling coming to my 40th this weekend because of resentments that she has had for five years, but it is only now four days before my birthday that she even mentions them to me. This is the first time she has ever said anything to me about it, so her timing sucks. She keeps saying she doesn't want to ruin my birthday, that is why she isn't coming, and that she hopes I have a great birthday anyway. Sorry but its a bit late, if this couldn't have waited for four more days when she has apparently had this problem for five years...

So I am angry about it. She could have cancelled coming if it really bothered her that much, without dumping all of this stuff on me during my birthday week. She could have spoken to me next week and explained her problems and given me a chance to respond. But so far she has refused to take my calls all week, so my only response can be via email, which as you know is limited when really trying to express heartfelt emotion.

The other thing is, the christening is not being held in the city I live in, to go I would either have to pack up my family, and take an extra night in a motel somewhere before attending the christening, or spend six hours on the day of the christening driving. Neither options works very well for my family. I could do it on my own, which is what I told my DH that I would do, which still means three hours driving before the christening, leaving early and three hours driving back again, by myself. Can I do it? Yes of course I can, but do I want to?

No.

So I changed my mind. Given the email manipulation, and the distance circumstances, I have decided to not go. All it would have taken from her was one honest, in person conversation, no blackmail (I am not coming to yours because you are not coming to mine), I cant fix what I don't know, and I don't know how she expected me to fix anything given the way she has approached me and the timing of when she approached me. I could be cynical and say she is cancelling my birthday to teach me a lesson, knowing that if it works there is still time for me to say Oh OK I will do what you want and come to the christening after all, (that's what my sister said anyway) and the thought has crossed my mind, but I don't want to believe it.

So in honour of being true to me, and what I want to do, I am not going to the christening because it isn't right for me to do right now. I will still post the present I have for her daughter, and I will continue to hope that we can communicate with each other and work things out, but I will not be guilted into making a decision.

I also haven't told DH* that I am not going yet, I think I will let him get used to the idea that I have decided on something regardless of his opinion, and next week I will tell him my revised decision, and my reasons for revising (none of which had anything to do with him!).


* DH can also refer to dick head sometimes ;-)

Crisis Point

I am not sure how I did it, but I have managed to badly hurt both my husband and my very good friend. Right now I am feeling all churned up inside. Last night I couldn't sleep, and today I just feel sick, and I don't know what to do.

My friend has a baby who will be christened this month. I have told her I am not going to the christening. There are many reasons, I haven't been to the christenings of my other friends children's, nor my nieces and nephews. This started in part because of the fuss my husband used to make about having to go. He hated it, but wouldn't let me go on my own. So he came to one, suffered through it, then put his foot down and said we weren't going to any more.

At first I was upset, but over time the whole christening thing has gone sour for me anyway, there have been too many personal things that have made me decide to steer clear of the church, and too many hypocrites in my life.

My friend is very upset with me, this is her second child, both of them adopted after ten years of trying to have children. I understand that this is important to her, and I feel very guilty and bad for saying I wont be attending.

My husband isn't supportive of me going, so again I feel very guilty for pushing this issue with him. I feel like the only thing holding me together right now is my skin, and if it breaks I will just fly apart. You've heard of between a rock and a hard place...

I emailed my friend trying to explain myself to her and apologise for hurting her, and I referred to my husbands earlier resistance, in fact the words I used were "he was unwilling to accommodate me", she replied with some less than nice things to say about my husband, my husband then read the email, and is very upset with me because he feels I am blaming him for me not going. The thing is, I think I am. But he said some ugly things about it last night, and he is still being awful to me, and even though I apologised to him for blaming him in the email he will not let it rest.

Between the two of them I got about three hours sleep last night, and it was not all that refreshing as I dreamt about them in that time.

My friend has informed me (all via email she wont take my calls right now) that she is not coming to my birthday on the weekend as she is too hurt and angry with me right now. I have to accept that she wont be there, I refuse to pressure her or try and make her feel guilty, but I am so close to cancelling it all. Especially as I cant be sure my husband will even be speaking civilly to me again by the weekend.

Inside I feel like I have reached crisis point, I need to take a stance, take some direction, be true to myself, but I so don't know what to do.

Family

These photos were taken on our last annual camping holiday. The light was just beautiful, and the colours reflected in the water from my family delighted me.

I am beautiful

So Happy

My first digital page. All about the look on my daughters face when she met our puppy for the first time.

Create

For a long time now I have had Photoshop Elements, and it has just sat there on the computer waiting for me. Every now and then I would attempt to work it out, but it defeated me over and over again.

Finally I have taken some action, I have started an online course with Jessica Sprague (who is fantastic!) and I have begun to create :-)

So this blog is to keep a record of my digital scrapbook creations. I hope you enjoy them.

Digi pages as promised

My first digiscrap created using a kit from Jessica Sprague's course, my daughter the day she met our long awaited puppy.



My second layout, photos from our last summer's camping holiday.

Digi love

Can I tell you how much I am loving Jessica Sprague and the Photoshop course I am doing on line with her. I can believe how easy she makes it, and how addicted I am becoming right now.

Anyone who is keen to learn more about Photoshop should check out her website, I will definitely take another class when this one is done.

I will post a copy of my first layout when I get home from work.

Wanna get dirrty

So how dirty???

Filthy... oh get your minds out of the gutter I am talking about good honest old dirt, all right there was some of the other stuff too, I mean it was a weekend away from the kids after all ;-)

Friday started off fairly hectically, there was dropping the kids at school, half a day of work, picking the kids up, dropping the dog at the Pet Palace, kids to Grandmas house, packing the car etc etc, but finally by about 3pm we were on our way. We only took one wrong turn, which is pretty good for us, mind you the other two cars travelling with us had both been to this place before, yet somehow I get to be the navigator, site unseen. I hate that.

The first campground was lovely, set on the Tuross River, and very quiet, we were the only ones there until well after dark, and then only one more party arrived, and promptly ate and went to bed. I kept looking around wondering what was different, but it was just there were no people whining "muuuummmm" oh lovely!

The next day we were off to Bendethera in the Deua National Park. 23 kilometres of goat track, 2 hours duration, very rocky, very steep, and the best part - the flat tyre we got about two thirds of the way in. Thankfully there was no other traffic trying to get in or out, because there was no room to pass us on the track, unless you could fly. So we stayed calm, changed the tyre, then crept slowly down the rest of the track, I of course being paranoid that now we had no usable spare tyre another one would blow and I would be sleeping on the mountain lol.

I love Bendethera, I will post photos later in the week once I download my photos, but it comes as close to heaven on earth for me. The only drawback, the flies have already discovered it this season, and they suck.

Coming home was another goat track, this time with ski jump, and slalom like parts thrown in for good measure. 48 kms, 4.5 hours. Now I am a fairly gutsy kind of girl, up for a challenge, not afraid of physical kind of stuff, but my fingerprints are now permanently imprinted in the hand rail on my door in the car - kind of intense. Especially because my darling husband forgot to put in the tyre repair kit, so our spare tyre was basically useless if we were to get another flat! Just a little too much stress for moi. We both agreed later that it was a risk we shouldn't have taken, our travelling companions assured us they would be with us, and help out if anything went wrong, but they neglected to accurately remember the state of the track, and how long it would actually take to travel that far!

But alls well that end well right?! Our friends also brought along the most fabulous device ever invented for campers, the portable HOT WATER HEATER and shower tent!!! so I was able to shower once we set up camp the second night, and man it felt so so so good. I have a long wish list of camping equipment, and it is right at the top :-)

So there is the rundown, my fingernails are nearly clean underneath, and I will post pictures later. Hope you had a great weekend too.

xxx

Stolen from the travelling tart...

I know I would probably win the most boring blogger award around about now. There is lots going on in my life, and I am finding hard to find the words and the time to get it all here. So for now here is a me-me that I stole from the gorgeous Zanna (Hi Zanna - waves and grins) and I will promise to attempt a posting of some substance in the not too distant future.


1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet & current car)

Kelly Commodore

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)

Chocolate Choc Chip

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Green Dolphin

4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (Last 2 letters of my surname name and first two letters of my first name; use whatever names you like also and where they came from)

WhiJo

5. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)

The Purple Cruiser

6. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)

Jack Domenique

7. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)

Dobson Detroit

8. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)

Autumn Freesia

9. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)

Mango Track Dackie

10. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)

Just Right Tallowood

11. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)

The Photography Thunderstorm Tour