Merry Christmas

Well this is probably my last post before Christmas, we are flat out for the next few days with celebrating, travelling and generally getting caught up in the whole crazy mess that is Christmas.

I just wanted to thank all of you who have visited my blog this year, and especially those who have left comments. All comments and support have been very much appreciated.

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a peaceful New Year. I hope the New Year brings good things to all of us.

Love

Joc
xxx

Since yesterday

Ha, you wouldn't believe it, I got on the scales this morning and they read 82.2, which is another 400g down from yesterday.

How cool would it be if we could actually lose 400g a day, weight loss would be a piece of cake. I think I might need to change my weigh in days to Wednesday, I always seem to weigh less on a Wednesday than a Monday or Tuesday lol.

[the rest of this post is long, will possibly not make sense, and most likely be grammatically abhorrent, but is something I need to spill out of my brain and examine in words - feel free to skip if if mindless musings are not your thing]

Lately I have been examining lots of things in my life. I have been giving my personal power over to other people for too long, and I have been feeling the need to reestablish myself, assert my strengths, and truly believe in what I stand for.

This whole process has taken me months, it started early this year after a particularly harrowing holiday with my husband. His behaviour towards me at that time was truly despicable, he treated me with complete disdain, he belittled me, and he blamed me for all of our problems. And it pissed me off!

I posted briefly about it when we returned from the holiday, but I was still in a stage of believing him, over listening to myself and making my own decision. So my post doesn't really do justice to my feelings at the time. I can tell you I was seething! I felt so much anger and hurt I was light headed, I felt like I was seeing things through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars, everything looked so far away, and so fuzzy, all I could see was a red haze of anger. But for the last eleven years I have been at home with my kids, with no income, and in his eyes no power, and constantly being told in one way or another that I had no power, made me believe it. His constant response to anything I complained about was "you can leave any time you want".

I know there are heaps of people who would have left, and would think the worst of me for staying. But I stayed. But it got me thinking, and it got me searching, and it woke me up. The last six months have had their moments. Some of them difficult, some of them enlightening. I feel that I have grown more in the last six months than I have in the last fifteen years.

Our relationship has changed so much. I have stopped taking shit from him, and he has started to show more respect for me. Why oh why couldn't I have worked this out earlier. This year for the first time ever he bought me a birthday present before my actual birthday, and he planned another present that he needed my input on! This has always been a major thing for me, as I always make sure birthdays are special occasions for all of the people close to me, and yet it had never been done for me since he married me.

I feel such a sense of content right now, a real rightness about things in my life. I know that I will lose the weight this time, it is happening, and will continue to happen. I have found a self respect that has been missing. I am feeling creative, and excited about things, even my vision seems clearer. Its amazing.

I have recently begun learning to read tarot cards. In my learning I have done a lot of readings for myself and the cards that fall are cards of such positivity and power, they all point to an inner strength, a sense of rightness in my choices. It amazes me what I am seeing. For a long time I thought my problems were caused by outside sources, but I can see that the worst enemy I have is myself, I am the only one stopping me from achieving my dreams, and for too long I have let fear and guilt make my choices.

It feels so good to be making choices from a position of strength and optimism again. I will turn 40 next year, and I have never felt so good in my entire life.

Progress Report Week 6

Better late than never I guess.

Last weigh in - 83.3kg
Loss this week - 500g
Current weight - 82.8

So I lost my pesky previous gain, and an extra 100g. Not too shabby given the week of temptations I was exposed to. Unfortunately there are a few more of those types of weeks coming, so I will have to be vigilant.

Starting to look forward to Christmas now that my shopping is done, I'm also looking forward to meeting my new niece for the first time when we go to Sydney :-)

Anyway time to go to work, hope everyone is having a great week.

Finished!

Finally I have finished my Christmas Shopping!!!


Yay Yay doing the happy dance. I now dont need to go back to the shops for anything until after Christmas. I do still have food to buy, but I can get that from my local supermarket, no need to go the town centre malls.

Yipee, Yay, woo hoo!!!! (Can you tell I am relieved that its all done?)

This morning started out at 9.00am, and we finally sat down for coffee at 2.00pm, and for once I didn't buy a single thing for me ;-) (although I did check out a jewellery store that is closing down after twenty years, they have really lovely designer pieces at good prices, but I restrained myself lol)

Now all that's left is to wrap it all, and pack it in the car to take to Sydney for Christmas Day.

What's going on...

Well its been all weight loss work and no play over here for a while, so I thought I'd do a quick review of the last week so you can see that I am doing things other than working on losing weight lol.

Saturday

... OK so Saturday there was nothing of note to tell you lets move on

Sunday

Made jam with Andrea Bocelli. The stereo was blaring opera (the neighbours must wonder about me, punk one week opera the next) and I chopped, stirred, boiled and bottled for hour after hour. We have a few fruit trees, and we use strawberry plants as ground cover, so there is always something coming ripe in our garden. Sunday was loquats and strawberries. The jam turned out great, very tasty although not for daily consumption cos there's heaps of sugar.

Monday

Usually my clean the house and catch up day, but this week I was at the airport again, for the third time in as many weeks collecting a friend on her return home. We headed back to my place to catch up and have lunch - unfortunately the house still hasn't been cleaned!

Tuesday

Work. We are just finishing up an investigation for a local department on the use of the Internet at work, specifically the people using it to access p0rn! A word of warning for anyone out there using their work computers to access the internet - BE CAREFUL, check the agreed usage guidelines or you could find yourself in trouble!

Wednesday

SHOPPING. I was supposed to finish my Christmas shopping. Ha what a laugh, finish it - I hardly even made a dent, so this week I am back to the shops again. Hopefully for the last time though.

Thursday

More work, more internet p0rn lol.

Friday

Not usually a work day, but we have been so busy I had to go in on Friday so I could finish the invoicing so we might get paid again before Christmas.

Saturday

Hours in the kitchen slicing, dicing, mixing etc making food for a party we were attending that night. Then finally hours sitting on my butt with a wee bit of champagne in hand (all right well a lot of champagne) by a friends new pool (nicely warmed to 32 degrees to ward of that first shock factor on entry), lots of good friends and fun. Both DH and myself could let our hair down as we were staying over night, so we staggered to bed near 2am.

Sunday

Staggered out of bed around 8am, enjoyed breakfast with our friends, spent a bit more time in the pool, then headed home to count down the hours till we could go back to bed.

Which brings me back to Monday. The house still hasn't been cleaned, and nothing much is happening on it because I am sitting here reading blogs on the internet. Didn't weigh in this morning, but will be back tomorrow with an update. Hopefully I was restrained enough on the weekend to avoid any major gains.

Cheers!

Progress Report Week 5

A small gain to report this week, nothing to panic about though, mostly due I believe to TOM appearing finally (12 week cycle now - weird), so feeling very bloated etc, and an unfortunate but contained binge late last week on olives and fetta, which is true to type for me in the week prior to TOM arriving.

All back on the healthy path again now, still exercising every day and feeling much better for that. I am expecting to turn this gain around next week.

Previous weigth 82.9kg
This week + 400g
Current weight 83.3kg
Total lost 3.3kg

Cheers

Progress Report - End Of November

I am really happy to say that November has been a good month on the scales. I started out the month at my heaviest non pregnant weight, which was the most depressing thing, but happily am on my way to a healthy lighter me.

1st November 86.6kg (190.5 lbs)
1st December 82.9kg (182.3 lbs)

Loss for November 3.7kg (8.2 lbs)

As for non scale achievement, I am now able to fit back into my 3/4 denim pants again, last time I tried them someone was in danger of losing an eye when the button popped. I am able to walk to the top of my hill (my daily walking path) and back down in an hour, whereas it was taking me an hour just to walk halfway at the start of November. I have visible triceps again, and the biceps are starting to emerge too :-)

My goal for December is to maintain this momentum, realistically with Christmas in there I might not lose quite as much, but I am determined to lose something. I am aiming for an average of 500g per week for December.

Progress Report Week 4

Happy to say that I had another loss this week! I didn't do anything exciting or out there about it, just tracked everything and exercised hard. After not seeing any change on the scale last week I was really tentative about stepping on this morning, thankfully there was no reason to worry.

This week lost - 1.1kg
Total loss so far 3.1kg

Am I happy with that? You betcha :-)

Good friends make for good days :-)

Yes well, about those scales, um yes I did break them, so this morning I went to the chemist and bought new ones. These ones are WW scales, they show 100g increments (very handy if the weight loss is slow) and cost me $50. I can also keep a record of the last five weigh ins so I can see how I am going from weigh in to weigh in.

Had a really lovely day today, I finally caught up with a friend that I have been trying to catch up with for ages. She has just done a course to become a personal trainer, which is awesome, and she is happy to share tips and things too, which is great too. She helped me with some exercise ideas to build up strength in my quads again, which I really need.

I love spending time with her because she is such a positive person. I always come away from time spent with her feeling really energized. I love it. Funny thing is she always tells me she feels the same way after spending time with me, so it is a win win thing for us. We try to get together at least once a month to shop and chat, I am lucky to have her in my life.

I am more positive today too about the lack of a loss this week. I am certain things will change at my next weigh in and I am keeping focused on this, and not letting myself get down or frustrated about it. I know I am doing all the right things, the only mistake I could make right now is to stop doing them.

Progress Report Week 3

I am trying very hard to keep things in perspective this week. Half way through last week I was already showing a loss of 300g, but when I stepped on the scales at the end of week 3 I got 0, thats right nothing, so that 300g early loss was gone and I am showing no loss for the week.

I must admit I was a little cranky!

I have tracked everything, I am within my po1nts range for the week, I have exercised daily, I have done everything right - so man was I pissed when I saw the scale results (unfortunately in my crankiness I may have broken the scales ooops).

So since then I have been analysing my week to see why things havent changed. I can be almost certain it is not the food, everything about my eating has been spot on. The weekend was hot, and I spent a few hours out in the garden working pretty hard, so it could be muscle build up. I am also retaining fluid badly, and I think TOM may be about to make an appearance soon (never can tell as it is all over the place these days, seven weeks and counting, last one was twelve weeks).

All of these things might have combined to keep the scales from moving this week. Unfortunately it doesnt matter how cranky I get, it doesnt change things, so I am resigned to continuing this week doing all the right things again, and hoping that I will be double rewarded next week on the scales. Blah.

So there you have it a cranky little post, to go with a cranky little me ;-)

Loss this week - 0
Total loss - 2kg

Progress Report Week 2

Another good week this week, although towards the end of the week I didnt keep up with tracking, and as a result my food intake was a bit off target over the weekend. Have remedied this and started up tracking again today, I plan to stick to it very closely for the next week to stay focused.

This weeks results = -800g
Total so far = -2kg

Heres to another good week :-)

Business as usual

Have been having a very busy week this week. I had a six hour interview to transcribe and my hands are really sore, it took me over twelve hours, so I dont want to type too much.

My exercise continues to be good, and so does my eating. At first I was a tiny bit disapointed with this weeks loss, then I realised that was really silly. 1.2kg is a great loss and I am really pleased, I had been thinking that because I was working so hard at it that i might have a 2kg loss as that has happened in the past when I focus on getting into a weight loss program, but my poor old body has been fooled so many times before it was probably a bit more wary this time lol. I also have to remember that there were three separate celebratory occassions last week, all involving FOOD and ALCOHOL, and I still had a really good loss.

Anyway I am staying really focused and continuing to do all the right things, and I will be really thrilled to see another loss of any kind on the scales next Monday.

Progress Report Week 1

Just a quick post, should have done it yesterday.

Lost 1.2kg

Yay Me

When the party's over

Thanks to those who posted, and sent birthday wishes, I has a lovely day. DH ended up being home by 5.00pm, almost unheard of in the last few years, so we left the kids at home in front of the TV and had a great walk up the hill with the dog. 45 minutes huffing and puffing (its a fairly steep hill), but I felt so good afterwards. It also meant that I could relax about what I ate for tea as I had already done enough exercise to compensate.

As it was tea was pretty healthy and really tasty. Scotch fillet steak BBQ'd just the way I like it, Greek salad (my Mediterranean history dictates that I must love Greek salad, all that feta and olives.... mmmm), a bottle of Taylors Clare Valley Shiraz 2002, fruity with the slightest hint of chocolate, and two Guylian (sp?)Seashell chocolates, again my favourites. So yes, perfect for me.

Last night we went shopping as DH wanted to buy some white opal earrings for me. He was home early again (shock!) 4.00pm this time, so we drove into the city, parked the car and went shopping. This in itself is an unusual occurrence as DH rarely volunteers to shop, and usually only makes it under sufferance late on a Sunday when there are not many people about LOL. My God the people!! I didn't think that many people even lived in Canberra, let alone traipsed out to shop on a Friday night.

We ended up not buying the earrings, as the pair I really liked at first had a crack in them, so we will keep on looking, maybe even make a trip to Sydney as there is a much wider range to choose from there. By 5.30 we were in the car, we pulled out of our spot, moved 2 metres then stopped, and didn't move again for 35 minutes. Nobody did - the congestion was dreadful.

After 45 minutes of listening to the kids complain, we maneuvered back into the parking space and went back into the shopping centre to buy dinner and kill some time in the hope we would be able to get out a bit later. Thankfully the next attempt was successful and we escaped the shops, but I am not sure if I will be able to convince DH to go shopping again for a long time.

Because we were forced to eat in the shopping centre the food wasn't what I would really have wanted, the choices were pretty limited as far as healthy stuff goes, but I had a small portion, and drank lots of water, so hopefully haven't done any damage to my sterling effort this week.

Anyway hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I will be back on Monday to report on my progress for the week, and the results of my weigh in.

xx

Happy Birthday To ME :-)

OK so thirty nine today, I can remember when I thought that was hideously old, now I think its not so bad :-)

Had a lovely day, the kids were so excited this morning that it was my birthday it was quite funny. They couldn't wait to give me pressies and prance around singing happy birthday - very cute. Even my eleven year old was prowling around the house before 7.00am waiting for me to come back from my walk so he could see me. Its nice that he still feels that way at that age :-)

My boss took me and the other staff out for lunch today, we had a great time, then I went trawling through some second hand clothes stores with C from work and found a great denim jacket for only $9 bucks. That was the purchase of the day, although we spent about $30 each. I also got a nice stretchy top for about $7 and a gorgeous dress for my daughter for $3.50. Its amazing what you can find if you are prepared to look. As I am going to lose more weight I don't want to spend too much money on new clothes as I go down in size, so second hand stores are brilliant for that in between time, and sometimes I find things that I love for such a bargain price.

DH is coming home early tonight to cook tea for me, and I am looking forward to a relaxing night with my family.

Exercise today 45 minutes walking this morning.

The week so far

I have been on track with everthing weight loss related this week. Each day I have been right on target with my food intake, and I have exercised, boy have I exercised.

Sunday - walked twice, pilates, upper body weights
Monday - walked 30 minutes, uppper body weights
Tuesday - walked 45 minutes, deep water running 30 minutes
Wednesday - walked 1.5 hrs, pilates, upper body weights

Thats probably more exercise than I did for the whole of September and October put together. I am expecting to see good results on the scales next Monday :-)

Exciting Day

My gorgeous sister has just given birth to my beautiful new niece!! She was born at 9.30am this morning (she was supposed to wait till tomorrow so she could be born on my birthday!!) she weighs 8lb 3oz, has lots of hair and her name is Audrey Elise.

Yay I am so excited. That makes four nieces and one nephew, my son is not going to be happy, he was really hoping it would be a boy LOL.

So much to say

Just dont have a great deal of time right now. The kids are back at school, and I am swamped with work I didn't do while they were on holidays. So for today just a short post with five things I am grateful for in my life today:

1. My children who are healthy and happy and able to attend school.
2. Washing machines (six loads of washing by hand would be too much!)
3. My husband, who works really hard to make sure that we have things like a washing machine.
4. My health, I am so grateful to be healthy.
5. My friends.

I am indeed a very lucky woman

Minus 400g

Yay another loss. That makes three in a row. Mostly only small ones, but losses none the less.

Even better, after a really lovely weekend away with the DH, I didn't gain any back, and am on track for another loss this week. :-)) Happy

Now the weekend away. We left on Saturday morning to scout out a great camping spot for our next biannual camping trip. We don't like to choose a spot sight unseen so we always make a trip to check things out. This time we are going to the lovely Hunter Valley north of Sydney, and given that we live in Canberra, three hours south of Sydney we were in for a fair amount of driving.

It took us five hours to get to the first spot we were considering. Then we decided we needed to check the second spot, as the first one just didn't click with us. Given that it was now five pm we decided to find somewhere to stay and check the other spot on the Sunday morning. The second spot was perfect, so we are booked in there for the long weekend in October, I can't wait.


This is a picture of Lostock Dam where we are staying.

We stayed in the Francis Philip Motor Inn which was great, rooms scrupulously clean and welcoming, lovely restaurant on site, very comfortable beds. We decided to have dinner in the restaurant on site rather than trying to find something in town and having to drive back afterwards. The meal was a little more expensive than we would usually have but the food was truly good.

I started with bruschetta, which I love love love, and hardly ever have, as my entree, then I had an olive, fetta and mushroom risotto as my main meal (but I only ordered the entree size). DH had salt and pepper squid which was beautiful, then seafood crepe. We chose to share a chocolate mousse dessert, then a cheese platter. One bottle of red wine from Draytons, very nice indeed, and a Midori and lemonade just because I like them. The best thing was I got up from the table feeling good, not overfull, and I didnt suffer from that bad feeling in the middle of the night when you wake up knowing you have eaten too much!

All in all I was pretty pleased with the way I ate and the choices I made, and I really enjoyed the meal, more than I have enjoyed a meal in absolute ages.

I was nervous about checking the scales this morning for fear of gaining after my decadent night out, but I was thrilled to see that I did not gain, and in fact look like I may have lost another 100g since Friday YAY!!

The kids and the dog had a great time at grandma's, so there was no need for feelings of guilt from having deserted the little darlings for the weekend. And best of all DH and I spent some quality time together that we both really enjoyed, and the bedroom stuff wasn't bad either ;-)

The week is now stretching out in front of me and looking less drastic than some of my most recent weeks. The big project I was working on at work is all but complete, so the pressure of that is gone. My boss has a birthday on Tuesday, so not much will be achieved in the office that day, Wednesday I am free to go swimming again for as long as I like, then Friday is completely clear, so a bit of scrapbooking should be on the agenda. It is lining up to be the best week I have had for ages :-))

Am I INSANE?

Well after my last post about being disappointed with only losing 200g I kicked myself up the butt and told myself to stop acting like a child. After all -200g is still a LOSS!!! So I got on with the job of being an admirable weight watcher.

And I was doing a fantastic job! My eating totally rocked this week. Stuck to points every day, and I ate really healthy balanced food. Just so good. Plus I have exercised everyday too (pats self on back) good job :-))

Then today I went swimming. I have talked about swimming ever since my knee was healed enough to go in the water, but up until now thats all I have done, talk. Then I read that Dietgirl is going to learn to swim lessons, and she just purchased a new swimsuit, and she lives in Scotland (where it is colder in summer than it is here in winter lol)so if she can do it, so can I (not to mention that I have the biggest blog crush on DG, I think she's the best ;-) so I will imitate in the hopes of being as successful as DG lol)

Anyway I digress

So I went swimmming. Half an hour, the pool was uncrowded, temperature was great, so I just swam (slowly) for half an hour without stopping. I did two laps freestyle, two laps breaststroke over and over. The breaststroke was great because I could feel myself using muscles that I havent used since the knee incident. I was out of breath towards the end and painfully slow, Ian Thorpe need not fear me.

I went home feeling pretty good. Then I was starving, and instead of going straight for my lunch (it was 11.30) I had one of these.



And yes there are two in the pack, and yes I ATE BOTH OF THEM ARRRGGGHHH

And if that wasn't insane enough I went back for the other two pack in the freezer and ate both of them too. Then I demolished a packet of rice crackers, and the dumb thing is I dont really like rie crackers, they are a bit bland and boring, but I love the flavouring sprinkled on them. I feel very short changed when I open a pack and there isnt much flavouring. So I licked the flavouring off, then ate the boring bits that I dont really like, because well, its a bit nasty just to lick off the flavouring and leave nude crackers lying on the plate.

Then I lay on the lounge and fell asleep for over an hour and woke up feeling sick. I wonder why? Der.

So then even though I was feeling crap I had to walk to school to collect the kids because I needed to balance up some of my overeating.

So yes I am insane.

All that good work - dashed upon the unforgiving rocks of gluttony. I have enough points to allow me a small serve of chicken and steamed veggies for tea, which right now sounds like the best possible meal. I am over the rice crackers and ice cream for now, and I will still be within my points for the week, but I can see what a stupid way it was to do it. I have felt so good digestion wise while I have been eating healthy points, eating the same number of points of crap food just doesnt do it for me any more.

So I hang my head in shame at my lapse, but find hope in the fact that in the past I used to do this all the time, now it only happens every once in a while, I am learning from my mistakes.

Heres to a better day tomorrow :-)

Ta ta

Just a quickie

Good news on the scale front this morning

LOST 1.1KG this week.

Yay me! ;-)

PS yes I did walk the dog, then I came home and had a lovely long soak in the bath - niiiccce.

L F C

Last night I had a decision to make:

1. Lie on the couch with hot chocolate and ww cookie = Lazy fat chick
2. Take dog for walk in the dark = Lively fit chick

Guess which one I choose ;-D

Diamonds

This is the fourth time I have set about losing weight. By losing weight I mean more than a couple of kilos, there were plenty of times when I was younger and worked on losing 2kgs and thought that was weight loss, now I am facing 20kg.

In all of my past weight loss efforts I have been brimming over with motivation, excited at the thought of tracking, weighing, measuring, exercising etc. My last thoughts before falling asleep were about what I would eat tomorrow, and how many points I had used today. My first thoughts on waking revolved around what I would to that day to aid my weight loss efforts.

I was pretty selfish about my time too. Other things would fall by the wayside whilst I obsessed about every mouthful, and every weigh in. Then every time I stopped the obsessing, as I got closer to my goal weight I would slowly slip back into old habits. I can see now that the attitude I carried then was one of being on a diet, getting thin in the quickest possible time, then going about my merry way. Fact is that just doesnt work.

The real key lies in making changes to routines that become permanent changes, in adopting eating habits that are sustainable for life. I am finding these things hard to get really excited about. I love my food, I love my red wine, I dont particularly like exercising strenuously. God am I doomed to always be fat?!

My motivation is at an all time low. So I cant rely on motivation to get me though. I have alway lived on the outside of my skin, I react to things, I let my feelings get hurt, I respond with childlike joy to happy times, emotionally I have never really grown up. I am starting to realise that losing weight is a grown up thing, and its time for me to approach it in a more grown up way.

I want to lose weight, so I need to take the steps that will make this happen. That means I cant just do it when I feel motivated, or excited, I have to look impassionately at it and just do it because it needs to be done. I mean there are a hundred other things I do, not becasue I want to, but because I have to, like the dishes, the washing, the vacuuming, cleaning up the dog poop... the list goes on and on, so why not just add this to the list.

Track my food, not because its so exciting writing it all in a brand new tracker, and adding the points up and being childishly happy when I have done well. Track my food because it must be done. Exercise because it must be done. Make healthy choices most of the time because it must be done. I know it will take time, I am prepared for it this time, I wont be back in my skinny clothes in time for Summer, but I will be closer that I am now.

I read this quote today in an email from Sparkpeople

Trying and persevering but failing to see your goals realized can be frustrating. Margaret Thatcher once said "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it," and she was absolutely right. You've got to believe that you will succeed! Never admit defeat as long as time and effort remain. Our greatest asset is patience; our greatest weakness is throwing in the towel. Banish discouragement and feelings of impossibility by working hard, doing more, and not giving in! A diamond was only made beautiful after hundreds of years as a lump of coal.

I have been a lump of coal for long enough, I am a diamond (I just need a bit of polishing)

Craft fair

Went to the Canberra Craft and Quilt fair yesterday. So much beautiful product, so much inspiration. Cant wait to get my current job out of the way so I can indulge in some scrapping.

Funny thing I had my first real life meet with another blogger. I recognised her face from her photo on her blog, and just went up and said hello. I didnt take any time to think about it or I probably wouldnt have because I wouldnt know what to say. Thankfully she was very sweet and didnt just turn and run away lol. Her name is Yvette and she does some beautiful scrapbooking, you can check her work out here.

Oh well off to do some more work, and try not to think about food.

;-)

Used to be so easy

God what has happened to me. Losing weight used to be so easy, and by that I mean I never had to police my hands every time they moved towards my mouth, didn't have to pat down my own pockets for suspicious packages containing high calorie contraband. At the moment I cant trust myself to look away for a second otherwise my hands might have shoved something more in my mouth without consulting my brain first.

I have never struggled with weight loss the way I seem to be right now. It was always a case of keeping track of my points, doing a little exercise and watching the scales go down. Sometimes the progress was slow, but it was still there.

These days I cant make myself do it properly. The week before last I struggled though but I did make it, and I lost 700g, this week I have been like a ravenous animal and unable to show even the slightest hint of self control, and I have gained back that 700g plus a little more.

Gots to get my head straight before I go completely off the rails. I am starting to wonder if I really want it enough? Gotta work out what is getting in my way.

BTW Congrats to Dietgirl, she's a seventies girl again, way to go!!

Mothers

Its been all over the blogoshere for the last week or so, talk about the Shape of a Mother blog. Of course I have been and read it. Some of it almost brought me to tears. I have thought very hard about adding my thing, then I read this post and all of the comments on it over at Tertias blog.

That of course made me think about it even more. And this is what I came away with.

Mothers are not all stretch marked and mishapen, they dont all carry exterior physical scars to show they are mothers. In fact mothers are made in all different ways. The blog is very much about women who have become mothers via pregnancy, but that is not the only way to become a mother.

To illustrate this take myself, and one of my oldest friends. We have been friends for nearly thirty years, we shared much of our growing up, we are now both married and both mothers. The difference is, I am lucky enough to be very fertile, achieving pregnancy was easy for me. I make no apologies for this, it is just the way that it was. My friend is infertile. She attempted many assisted fertility options, she tried for years to fall pregnant and it just didnt happen. She and her husband adopted a daughter the year I gave birth to my third child.

Do I think I am more of a mother because I gave birth to a daughter, where as she did not? No way. We both have four year old girls living in our houses who call us mum. After four years the fact that her daughter is adopted isnt something I think about at all. The relationship she shares with her daughter is no different to that I share with mine.

After thinking all of this through for ages last night I have decided I am not going to add an entry to the Shape of a Mother blog. I think it is a wonderful blog, and I will continue to read it but my saggy tummy is not what makes me a mother. For me the pregnancy thing was only the means to the end, for my friend the paperwork was the means to the end. Being a mother is all about your relationship with your child everyday, all about the love that it takes to shape that child into the adult it will be one day.

I have shaped my children with my heart and with my hands. Each time I do something for them, my hands are the conduit of my love, they shape the future for my child until my child can take over and contine it for themselves. All mothers have this gift, it is theirs to bestow upon their child regardless of the journey that brought that child into their lives.

The shape of me as a mother is...


These hands 

Mothers

Its been all over the blogoshere for the last week or so, talk about the Shape of a Mother blog. Of course I have been and read it. Some of it almost brought me to tears. I have thought very hard about adding my thing, then I read this post and all of the comments on it over at Tertias blog.

That of course made me think about it even more. And this is what I came away with.

Mothers are not all stretch marked and mishapen, they dont all carry exterior physical scars to show they are mothers. In fact mothers are made in all different ways. The blog is very much about women who have become mothers via pregnancy, but that is not the only way to become a mother.

To illustrate this take myself, and one of my oldest friends. We have been friends for nearly thirty years, we shared much of our growing up, we are now both married and both mothers. The difference is, I am lucky enough to be very fertile, achieving pregnancy was easy for me. I make no apologies for this, it is just the way that it was. My friend is infertile. She attempted many assisted fertility options, she tried for years to fall pregnant and it just didnt happen. She and her husband adopted a daughter the year I gave birth to my third child.

Do I think I am more of a mother because I gave birth to a daughter, where as she did not? No way. We both have four year old girls living in our houses who call us mum. After four years the fact that her daughter is adopted isnt something I think about at all. The relationship she shares with her daughter is no different to that I share with mine.

After thinking all of this through for ages last night I have decided I am not going to add an entry to the Shape of a Mother blog. I think it is a wonderful blog, and I will continue to read it but my saggty tummy is not what makes me a mother. For me the shape of the mother is only the means to the end, being a mother is all about the child. All about the love that it takes to mold that child into the adult it will become one day.

I have shaped my children with my heart and with my hands. Each time I do something for them, my hands are the conduit of my love, they shape the future that will be my childs until my child can take over and contine it for themselves. All mothers have this gift, it is theirs to bestow upon their child regardless of the journey that brought that child into their lives.

This girls life...

is so boring lol.

I have spent the last week wondering what I would find to post about next. Nothing much has been going on in my life, just the same ol same ol.

The kids are back at school, dh is working long hours because its the end of financial year and he's and accountant, I am back at work two days a week... and thats about it.

I read so many blogs (note to self, update list of links here) and so many of you are having so much going on in your lives. I need to organise some excitment to keep up with all of the exploits of the internets around me.

On the health and fitness front things are still rumbling along. I am still exercising and eating OK, but I am still not losing any weight on the scales - bummer. All I can do is keep on working at it. Sooner or later it will all click together. I have been doing WW No count, but I am going to switch to points because obviously I am doing something wrong with the no count.

I have lots of half finished scrapbook pages sitting on my desk, and they are starting to really bug me, so I am off to a scrapathon tomorrow night, in the hope of getting some of them done.

Babysitting today, so I better go and check on the little one. Hopefully I can think of something more exciting to post tomorrow.

Musings

Had one of those weekends that is just dead set lazy. It rained all weekend! Thats something we haven't experienced for such a long time. I had a nostaligic kind of mood hanging over me all weekend because of the rain. When I was a kid I remember weekends of rain, I lived in Sydney then, so the rain wasn't accompanied by icy frost cold then like it is here in Canberra, and we used to play in the rain. You know, run around in the puddles, splash each other, get really wet, really dirty but have a great time.

My kids like to do that too. The thing is by the time they come in their little fingers are only a degree away from frostbite (usually their toes too, because they wont keep shoes on), their noses are red, and dripping, and of course now it is my job to clean up the mess they make when they come back in. So unsurprisingly I am no longer a big fan of the kids playing in the rain lol. Ah its only when you are an adult and have the resonsiblity of children yourself that you appreciate what you put your mother though.

Brrr

So cold today, outside top temp supposed to be 10 degrees celcius. I dont know if it actually made it. I do know that I just cant warm up, even my toes are cold inside my ugh boots. Thats cold.

BTW the scales suck badly - I think they must be broken as they have not budged a micromillimetre in the last ten days (yes I have been weighing everyday bad bad bad). I am continuing on the healthy eating plan, and the exercise, it must be working somewhere somehow - frustrating. At the same time my friend has lost 2.6kg, which makes it harder to swallow my stationary status.

Hoping tomorrow is warmer and less weighty.

in the groove

I finally feel like I am getting back in the healthy groove. I am back to exercising regularly, and eating sensibly. Feels good too.

I was so proud of myself on Saturday night. We had friends coming over for tea, I cooked roast lamb, potatoes, pumpkin, carrots, peas and gravy for mains, then chocolate brownies and ice cream for dessert. I told myself I wasn't going to have dessert in the morning, just serve everyone elses and finish my glass of wine while they ate.

Of course I have said this dozens of times before, all set up with good intentions etc, but usually I cave in and eat it, then end up gorging on it because I am so pissed with myself for giving in.

Finally succes!!! I didn't eat dessert, I only had one serving of tea even though there was heaps left over, I only had a couple of glasses of wine, and I didn't eat any nibblies.

In the past I would have felt really ripped off, like I had missed out big time on all the good stuff, amazingly this time I felt really good.

And even better I didn't wake at 2.30am with roaring heartburn, and there was no sign of a hang over on Sunday morning. That Rocks!!

The best part about it was, I didn't even feel like I missed out. How good is that. I have never felt like that before.

Since then I have had a good week, I have eaten sensibly and exercised. I feel almost like a normal fit and healthy person again this week, for the first time in sooooo long.

I cancelled my gym membership this week too. My friend and I have set up a home gym routine using hand weights, swiss ball and resistance bands (well we will use resistance bands next time when she remembers to bring them). Twice a week we are meeting on my family room floor to work out together. I will do another workout on the weekend with DH to make it to three a week. Yesterday was great. Some of the exercises would look out of place in the gym - like bench pressing the two year old because she wanted to play too lol, but the result was the same, I felt like I had a good workout by the end of it. And now that $55 a month I have been paying for gym that I dont use anymore can go into my account for clothing for summer in a smaller size. Yay Me.

This afternoon I was really getting the munchies, and I did reach into the cupboard for some choc bits, you know the ones you use in choc chip cookies, but after eating one, I came to my senses and got myself a bowl of cereal instead. It does mean that I have gone over points for the day, but at least the cereal filled me up, whereas the choc bits wouldn't have, and I would have ended up standing in the pantry again eating indiscriminately (sp?)

Hoping for a good result at my next weigh in - cos I deserve it :-)

3 days in a row

for the first time in ages I have exercised three days in a row yipee

Saturday I walked for thirty minutes.
Sunday I walked for an hour and a half and lots of that was straight uphill
Monday I walked for thirty minutes

Yay me.

Tuesday I wont get out for a walk today as I have been at work all day, then picking the kids up from the other side of the city, so I will aim to do some pilates or light weights tonight just to keep up some momentum.

The walk on Sunday was hard, it made me realise how unfit I am, half way up the hill I was ready to puke, and I looked up to see the kids RUNNING the last part to the top. Man what a bummer, that meant I had to keep going, and it really was too steep for me to turn around and walk back down lol.

I have found with my gammy knee I can now walk up hills, but I cant walk down very well. I joked to my DH that I could go out walking, up all of the hills, and call him on my mobile to come pick me up once I have to come back down again :-)

Guess that means I am on my way to heaven cos I cant get down to hell LOL

Got another planned walk in the morning to take Joan to preschool, then I might continue on from there and make a longer outing of it. The two older kids and the puppy will be with me, and they can walk pretty fast and pretty far now.

How pathetic, I am actually excited at the thought of exercising everyday this week - I need to get a life ;-)))

Owning It

Saturday, 1 July 2006

My last weigh in was uneventful, no loss, no gain. I can honestly say though that is exactly what I expected. After my previous post I had a week or so mired in procrastination, self disgust, despair, introspection, apathy, the whole spectrum of emotions. But the good thing was I allowed it to happen, I didnt try to talk myself in to positivity, I just let myself feel it all. It was hard, but good, I know now that just because I don't stick to plan for a week it is not the end of the world, I also know that if I lie to myself about my actions I will be forever disappointed with my results.

I have to own my actions, and my emotions, not let them own me.

I set myself some goals for the week, I stated them here, I only achieved one of them.

I didn't walk for half an hour everyday
I didn't steer clear of BLT

I didn't lie to myself

I accept my responsibility in this weeks result. I didn't eat like someone trying to lose weight, I didn't exercise like someone trying to lose weight, there fore I didn't lose weight.

I did however feel more positive in my whole journey.

My goal for the month of June was to lose 2kg. My result for June was 700g. That puts me 1.3kg to make up for. It unrealistic to think I will do all of this in July, but over July and August it is possible, which will put me back on track for achieving my goals in the time frame I am aiming for.

For so long I have been "losing weight", but I don't think I have really put a time frame on it. It was just going to happen when it happened. Well you can see how well that has been working for me. So I sat down with my trusty Excel Spreadsheet and worked out a time frame for my goals. I am looking at this being a year long project, it may come faster than that, and if it does that is great, but if it doesn't I am OK with that too.

My goal is to lose 20kg (44 lbs), and I am aiming at doing this by 1st June 2007. To do this I must lose up to 500g (1.1 lbs) per week. When I say up to I am allowing for the fact that some weeks I will lose less than this, some I may lose more, and some weeks like Christmas, I may even maintain or gain. 20kg in 12 months is doable. It is now up to me to do it.

This week I will not indulge in BLTs
This week I will walk for half an hour everyday
This week I will continue to be honest with myself

From Lynne to Lean: Honesty Is The Best Policy

From Lynne to Lean: Honesty Is The Best Policy

Honesty

Its funny I always think of myself as an honest person, but the real truth, the truth that really matters is that I would not know the truth if I tripped over it. My last entry talks about the fact that I have had two losses in a row, it makes it sound like I have been working at it, but that is a lie.

It was really just dumb luck.

I thought I was doing well, but I was lying to myself. I looked at my stats spreadsheet and realised that I have actually been back on my program for six weeks now, this Friday is my seventh week - talk about knock me down with a feather. I have been telling myself I am doing really well because I have had two losses, but here is the real ugly truth...

Week 1 - 85kg
Week 2 - didnt even weigh in
Week 3 - didnt even weigh in
Week 4 - 86kg - actually gained a kilo
Week 5 - 85kg - lost last weeks gain who knows how
Week 6 - 84.3kg - lost 700 grams

While all the time I am telling myself I am doing really well, I have been telling myself I have only been doing this for three weeks, and I have lost 1.7 kg so far. But the spreadsheet never lies. It tells me I have actually been doing this for six weeks, and I have been doing a pretty crappy job.

Then there are the other lies.

Yes I have been eating well... lie lie lie

I have been eating OK some of the time, then I have been eating like crap for the rest of the time. Lynne put it really well on her blog, and reading that entry really stuck a cord with me. I do that sort of thing all the time. I serve up a perfect serve of well balanced low fat meal, I eat it then clear my plate. Then while I am putting the left overs away I eat the equivalent of another serve straight out of the saucepan, but it doesnt count, so the fact that I dont lose weight that week is just a mystery, because I ate really well… lie lie lie

I remember at WW they called these things the BLTs bites licks and tastes, man I do a lot of BLT lately. When I was back at WW way back last year I weaned myself of this habit, but it has slowly crept back into my life.

Well they say when you know better you do better, so I am telling you all now, I KNOW BETTER and I am not going to do that anymore.

The other lie I tell myself is that I am exercising regularly again... bullsh1t

So I walked once or twice to school with the kids, but it was not regular exercise, and if I tell myself the truth, in the last week I havent walked to school once. I have taken the puppy for a couple of short walks to get him used to the leash, but come on, that was ten to fifteen minutes, stopping lots of times to urge him forward over and over again.

And what am I going to gain telling myself these lies?

Certainly not weight loss results that is for sure. Its time to stop being an ostrich, I need to look at what I am doing and how it is working for me, or as the case may be not working for me. I am sick to death of this whole roller coaster, and lately I have been like a child about this whole weight loss endeavour. Any excuse will do.

And yes I have irreparably broken my knee, but I can still walk, I can still do pilates if I modify things slightly, I can still do light weights, I can still swim. Yes I am heartbroken that my beloved Karate looks to be out of my reach at this point in time, possibly forever, yes I am angry that I cant run, I cant walk up and down hills or stairs, that it still causes me pain doing things that I used to find so effortless. But I still have two legs that work in ways that some people can only dream of, its time to stop feeling sorry for myself, and stop making excuses, and stop lying to myself.

This week I will not indulge in any BLTs
This week I will walk for half an hour every day
This week I will stop lying to myself

Some progress

Just a quick post, I am still struggling daily with the whole weight loss thing, not the concept, just the application. So I am thrilled to say that I have now had two losses in a row, which gives me hope that I can pull myself together enough to get back on track properly.

We brought the puppy home so I have been walking everyday now, not far each time as he is very new to being on a leash, but for about twenty mintues each time, I am still walking the kids to and from school 2 - 3 days a week, and I am out in the yard playing with the puppy, so I am on my feet and moving for about half an hour more per day than I was two weeks ago.

I also have not eaten chocolate now for weeks, and I dont even miss it!!

There is hope :-))

I hate you

So sad, my son screamed these words at me last week. I know he didn't mean it, and I know at 10 years old I have had a long time of being his favourite person, but I think the hormones are kicking in, the rebelliousness that comes with a pre teen starting to raise its ugly head.

My baby no longer thinks that I know best.

He apologised later, he was even sad when we talked about it, and he let me hug him really tight when it was all over.

Growing up is hard, especially for the mummy.

BTW he is grounded for a month too ;-)

Isnt he cute!

Well I think they are all cute really, but in this case I am referring to the small furry one in the middle. His name is Milo, and he is coming to live with us in two weeks. The kids cant quite believe it is true, they have been badgering us for a dog for so long. I think the look on Janes face is priceless (in the blue top) pure bliss :-)

Changing gears

Well things have been a bit woe is me here lately, time to shift up. I have actually had a few good things going on to, I just have been over focussed on the bad things.

Have I told you I have my own personal life coach?

Well Rach is training to be a life coach, and I am one of her guinea pigs, but you know it is the best guinea pig experience I have ever had. She is just great, and I am sure she will be a really successful life coach in the future. Her business is called In The Groove, feel free to check out her MSN space, and if you are interested in having a life coach, it is well worth talking to her.

She has recently completed some courses, (dont ask me to explain what they are about because I cant remember the details) and one of them specialised in NLP Neural Linguistic Programming?? anyway my take in it is using techniques to change habits in a nutshell. So she need some practice, and I was willing to work with her.

Guess what?? It works! We have kilos, and I do mean kilos of chocolate in our house at the moment, I have been stressing about it as it really is one of my weaknesses. After working through the process with Rachael I can now honestly say, that I can take or leave chocolate. I have been able to minimise the appeal of chocolate so much, that I am confident that those kilos of chocolate will still be sitting on the shelf in my cupboard until the kids and DH decide to eat them.

My mouth used to water just hearing the word chocolate, now, I dont even give it a second thought. Feeling good, one down x to go!

I have also been successful in walking for half an hour everyday this week since Friday. I did not walk today, as I have a funny cramping feeling in the centre of my chest, I think I have strained a muscle (strangely enough it happened when i was yawning), so I am going to try some stretching this evening and see how it is tomorrow, my guess is it will be gone.

Feeling a bit creative today, so maybe I will go and do some scrapping tonight instead of watching mind numbingly boring television.

xx

Getting the ball rolling

I have done lots of thinking over the last few days, funny what thinking you might have cancer will do to you. Sadly I have not come up with all of the answers for all of the woes of the world, but I have come up with some for me.

I am determined more than ever now that I need to change my life. I need to lose weight, I need to become fitter, I need to put myself as a priority.

This last one flies in the face of all that I ever believed being a good mother was. I always had this idea that my kids must come first in all things, and that I could do with second best as long as they were happy. But you know what? It just is not working for me. I feel so drained of whatever it was that made me, ME.

It is like the best of me is gone, it has all been invested into my kids, and because it has not been topped up in me, I am empty. So now I am becoming the worst kind of parent, I am apathetic, I am disinterested, I feel guilty all the time that I dont give them the attention they deserve.

So that is the problem. What is the solution you ask? Well I am not entirely sure to be honest, but baby steps will be involved, and putting myself first will feature heavily in the plan.

This week the first baby step is that I will go for my walk each day, even if it is only for fifteen minutes, and everyone else in the house can just wait for that fifteen to thirty minutes before having their needs seen to, and I will not feel guilty about it! :-)

Wake up call

Thankfully the tests have come back clear. I am relieved.

It has made me think though, what if they hadn't, what if I really had breast cancer?

There is still so much in my life that I want to do, some days I don’t make myself get up off my lazy arse and do the things I should, and the things I want. How badly would I feel about that if I knew my days could be numbered. (Well I know they are numbered anyway, its just how high the number is that counts)

Anyway it has got me thinking about the time that I waste on things that don’t make me happy, the money I waste on things I don’t really want or need (how sad is that), and the quality of the time I have. I don’t want to waste another ten years feeling fat and frumpy and totally sick of myself. I don’t want to waste another ten years wondering if I could get my business ideas into a working form. I don’t want to waste another ten years without connecting properly with my family and friends.

Its time to wake up!!

I want to live, not just exist.

Thanks to those who commented and emailed, your thoughts were very much appreciated :-)

Limbo

All my life I have been afraid of the spectre of breast cancer. My Aunt found out she had breast cancer when I was very young, in fact I cant remember her from before that time. She was in her thirties and was pregnant with her second child. She died in her mid forties after fighting the disease for more than ten years. She was my mothers eldest sister. My great grandmother, my grandmother and my great Aunt also had breast cancer, although none of them died due to it. I have always regularly done self exams, and have lived with the thought that one day it could be me. Each time someone high profile is diagnosed, especially when they are as young or younger than me it gives me chills.

So you can imagine how I felt when I found a lump last week.

I have just come back from having a mammogram and ultrasound. I don't have the results yet, that will be tomorrow afternoon after 2pm.

Surprisingly I am very calm, I have been vigilant, as soon as I found something I went to have it checked out, so I know if this is it, then I have caught it early.

So right now all I can do is wait.

Holiday update

Finally back. The camping was great, the weather held out and we had a fantastic time. I decided I was not going to sit on the beach fully dressed worrying about how fat I might look if I put on my swimmers, and I just jumped on in. I am so glad I did.

For so many years now thats what I have been doing, going to the beach fully dressed, and sitting on the sand minding the towels while the kids get in the water. I am sick of that. It is my own fault that I am in the shape I am in, but there is no need to punish myself futher by depriving myself of an activity I enjoy just because I am worried about what other people will think about how I look. That doesn't mean I was totally comfortable with it - I wasnt, but I tried to forget about that and just have fun. And I did.

I had almost forgotten how much I love to get in the ocean. We took snokelling gear as we were camped at a perfect spot for it, and it was awesome. So many fish and corals, just so much to see. I ended up staying in for over an hour, the water was warm, even though it was Mid April and half way through Autumn, and the sun was shining. I took me back to a time in my life when I was truly happy.

Then in the afternoon we went to the surf beach and I spent a couple of hours catching waves with the kids and the DH. Magic. I had forgotten how good it feels to catch the perfect wave and ride it all the way to the shore. I just regret the number of years I have denied myself this fun.

Unfotunately it was not all roses - the DH again took it upon himself to have a tantrum and take the shine off the holiday just a little bit. It makes me so cranky when he does this. His tantrums are nearly always over something small, but his reactions are big. So big that sometimes the argument can continue for days - I kid you not, we have experienced one where he did not speak a single word to me for a week. If that was one of the kids they would be in big trouble, but for some reason he is "allowed" to do it and we should all just accept it.

Easter morning should have been heaps of fun with the kids, we had everything planned to hide the eggs and do an egg hunt with them when he upped and stomped off to the beach on his own. Thankfully the other family who were with us were happy to go on without him, so my youngest DD still had her egg hunt (she is only four) while James (10) followed his father to the beach. By the afternoon all was well again, but it still bugs me that he does it. He even joked about it later how everyone knows he is a grumpy sod, but that is not fair. He is an adult, he should learn not to inflict his grumpies on other people like that, especially when it has the potential to ruin a special day for one of the kids.

Still we continued on our holidays, we went to Sydney to stay with my parents for a week and play tourist around Sydney. The first two days were fantastic, then it all went to sh*t and we spent the next two days in stony silence. Again a tantrum about something minor, that was blown completely out of proportion. It would not be so bad, but he gets enraged, he yells, or if we are somewhere he can be overheard yelling, he does this venomous muttering. He is hurtful, unfair and far too angry - and I hate it.

Sadly for him it backfired slightly on him this time, as we then spent an entire day at my parents, and my mum and dad were able to see what he can be like, and I had an entire day with my mum able to chat and talk about things. For the first time I was able to tell her a bit more about what he can be like when he gets like this, and she could see it for herself - not that he was rude to her or dad, but it was obvious his attitude to me. She and dad ended up by telling me that if things dont improve and I want to leave him they are with me completely. Funny thing is I always knew they would be, but to hear them say it makes it so much more real, and feels so much more supportive.

Since we have been back home I have been keeping a diary of when we argue, and what it was about. I need to take full stock of what the situation is, then make some decicions about my future with him. Funny since I started that he has been on his best behaviour, I think he knows he over stepped the bounds and has been trying to make amends. We will see what happens I guess.

In the mean time I am trying to keep myself busy organising my little/big project. So much to do so little time LOL...

School holidays, ya gotta love em

That time is here again, the school holidays. So in the morning we pack up the car - shoving junk in for all we are worth until we can squeeze the doors shut, strap the tent to the roofrack and venture off to the coast for six days of camping. Hopefully there will still be a site available for us as there are no bookings taken in the spot we are heading for.

Six days with the kids and the husband, and no access to electronic devices ie computers, televisions or microwaves, not to mention no running water - I must be mad.

Well heres hoping the weather is good, I will be back in a week or so :-)

Fearful moments...

It never ceases to amaze me the number of times I read someone's blog and find they are struggling with the same kinds of things as me, and I thought I was such an individual ;-P.

Take for example this from Dietgirl talking about epiphanies. I especially like this comment;

"There is no Great Moment - just a moment when you start doing something about it"

It sounds so simple, so why is it so hard to recognize it and just do it. Then I read about Miss Mia becoming fearless here, both of these things, moments and fearlessness are things I have been struggling with, and then starting to overcome in the last six months.

I realise that it is only in fairytales or movies where the music swells, all eyes in the room connect and a great revelation is brought forth. In real life you are usually elbow deep in dishes, a child screaming in the background, and the TV blaring when a tiny thought slips though your brain. Months later you remember that thought and think about it some more. Half a year later it again butts against your consciousness. Twelve months later a plan starts forming, but you tell yourself "I could never do that" only people who are "smarter" "more committed" "richer" "thinner" "prettier", insert your own word here you get the picture.

This is where the fearlessness comes in for me. I had a small idea, the idea grew, it started to intrude on my thoughts all the time, I started to dream it - imagine its reality, I started to get excited about it - then the fear came in and stomped all over it and sent it away again.

But you know what? I still think it is a good idea, and I think other people think it is a good idea. If only I wasn't so afraid of what might happen, if only I could get my act together.

I am sick of being afraid too. I have taken steps, I have reached that moment where I am starting do something about it. I'm almost to the stage where I am ready to go with this idea, now I just need to find the courage of my convictions, so if any of you see them hanging around on the corner, tell them I need them back here at home and send them back to me.

On a good note physically, I am back at the gym three times a week. My knee is showing dramatic improvements, I don't believe the ortho surgeon thought it would ever improve to the state it is in now, and I still think there is more improving to be done. I actually ran for two minutes on the treadmill on Friday (yes it nearly killed me) but it didn't hurt my knee, only my lungs :-)) I feel so much better knowing that I can start again with my fitness, which will then kick some weight loss into gear. I am working on fitness first this time, rather than worrying about the scales, and I feel so much better about this.

Back again

Goll I am surprised blogger even let me in to post it has been that long since I was here. Not all that much to say at the moment, or more so not that much time for saying it. I have been super busy planning a little project (or if all things go according to spec a "big" project) So lots of my energy has been put into that lately.

Also been glued to the heart breaking saga going on in Noras world. I am hoping and praying that things work out well for her.

Also spent a bit of time perusing other scrappers blogs. Anyone out there who enjoys scrapping should check out Ali Edwards, she inspires me big time.

And a quick thanks to Trish for her comments, she is a local girl (well local for me) and has a real flair for writing, witty, insightful and fun.

As for all of my other blog friends, I am back and looking forward to catching up on all you have been up to very soon.

J

Bad and back again

Last week was a really good week. I stayed within my recommended calorie range for the week, I did all my scheduled exercise, plus some unscheduled extra exercise. I walked for an hour with no pain in my knee. The only down point was that the scales did not move.

Even with the lack of scale movement though I felt really good about my week. Everything about it was based on being healthy, and I know if I can continue in this way for at least 80 percent of the time that I will lose weight and get myself fit again.

So I guess that means that Monday and Tuesday this week count as part of the 20 percent of the time when I suck at doing the healthy thing! My motivation just disappeared out the window and ran off down the street, and I couldn't be bothered to chase it. And the eating - well it sucked a bit too, I managed to stay close to calories, but they were all cheap and nasty calories, not the sort of thing that will assist me in being healthy.

You all know what I am talking about, instead of fresh fruit and veggies, lean meat and whole grain foods making up the magic number, it is ice cream, chocolate, chips etc, you stop when you hit the number, but they are empty calories, you don't feel satisfied, in fact your body is thinking about getting rid of it all because it feels like crap. And as for the headspace, because for so long you have been dieting and thinking about foods that are bad, everytime you eat them you are riddled with guilt or bad thoughts about your self control and ability to lose weight etc.

God this weight loss thing sucks.

I was planning sitting on my bum last night and doing whatever, but I forced myself into my work out clothes and out the door. I walked for forty minutes. I came home, drank 500ml of water. A feeling of peace came over me. The bad run was over for now, the damage minimal, and I was reverting to good habits in spite of myself. Happy.

Getting back on track

Its been so long since I had any kind of routine with my food and with my exercise, so I am really glad to be feeling some direction happening now. I checked out SPARKPEOPLE thanks to Beck for the recommendation. I like it!

So I have tracked out my plan for the week, exercise and food, although I still need to update the food pages as I am doing my own food plan and not the one they recommend, but things are looking good so far.

I am also thrilled to report that last night I went walking for an hour and my knee did not give me any trouble (well nothing that would stop me anyway), and it has continued to be pain free today too. Hooray! That gives me more confidence to get out there and push it a little more now. You never know I may just be able to get back to my beloved Karate after all.

The scales have not changed for two weeks now, and all that time I have been saying well TOM is due blah blah, but TOM has not made an appearance, so it looks like the reason the scales are not moving is because I am not moving either. (and no I dont think I am pregnant my cycle is just all over the place since stopping OC's last year).

Today was a strength day for me and I have done my workout even with the horrible heat in this house right now 33degrees inside and no air conditioning YUK. I would like to go for a half hour walk tonight also as I think it will help me to sleep if I am a bit worn out before bed.

Kids are back to school tomorrow YAY, as much as I love them, they are getting sick of being at home and really starting to get on my nerves. Lately I have not even been able to go to the toilet in peace, there is always someone yelling "MUM...", now I understand mothers with toddlers cant go to the toilet in peace, but mine are all four years old or more - surely ten minutes to myself is not too much to ask? Any way I am glad they are excited about going back to school, and I am looking forward to my first year with some child free days as my youngest will be at preschool for three days a week this year. I am only working for two of those days and the third day I can do whatever I please. My sister Lucy reckons I will probably sit on the lounge for the first few weeks just because I can! LOL

So I leave this post feeling positive, and hopeful for my weight loss/health future.

Food today
2 weet bix
1 tsp sugar
skim milk

2 slices whole meal bread
tuna
beetroot
low fat cream cheese

apple
grapes

choc wedge ( I know not exactly healthy weight loss food)

Beef stir fry
rice

Exercise
squats
tricep raises
lateral raises
crunches
inner thigh lifts (cant remember techo term)
side bends

30 mins walk

Just for fun

I was tagged by the lovely Wendi with this one, so here goes:

Top 10 list of who I'd have unadulterated, wild, passionate, unabashed sex with if I could. (in no particular order)

Now keep in mind this is just for fun!

1. Johnny Depp

2. Orlando Bloom

3. Jon Stevens (ex Noiseworks lead singer)

4. Chris Cheney (The Living End lead singer)

5. Ben Affleck

6. George Clooney

7. Drew Fuller (played Chris in Charmed)

8. Vin Diesel

9. Andrea Bocelli (but only if he sang the whole time LOL)

10. Julian McMahon (cos I loved him in Charmed)

Kind of strange selection really, but different things do it for different people I guess. I'm not tagging anyone but feel free to do it and let me know if you do.

Goods from my garden

Lately we have had a lot of very warm weather, and then rain, in fact in the last week, lots of rain, and my garden is going beserk.

Mostly there is just lots of good healthy organic food like this:


Then there are the slightly overzealous tomato plants producing a basin of tomatoes every second day like this:


Then there is this:


This one was half the size of my four year old daughter, and weighed nearly as much too LOL.

Just think if I could limit myself to only eating this stuff then my weight loss woes would be over.

Goods from my garden

Lately we have had a lot of very warm weather, and then rain, in fact in the last week, lots of rain, and my garden is going beserk.

Mostly there is just lots of good healthy organic food like this:

Then there are the slightly overzealous tomato plants producing a basin of tomatoes every second day like this:



Then there is this:



This one was half the size of my four year old daughter, and weighed nearly as much too LOL.

Just think if I could limit myself to only eating this stuff then my weight loss woes would be over.

My bloggiversary

I just realised I missed my blogiversary, one year since creating my blog. Well happy blogiversary to me LOL.

Happy New Year

All right so it is a little late to be saying this, but this is my first post for the new year and I am saying it, so there...

The first nine days of the new year have been interesting, I hope they are not setting a pattern for the rest of the year cause if they are I may as well just go to sleep and wake me up in 2007!

So far there has been a bottle (yes bottle) of red wine spilt on my cream carpet, a water pump failure in my car, arguments with DH about money and other stuff, screaming at the kids (when I had planned to use zen type mothering this year) and a host of little things that have really bugged me.

On the up side I have been able to start exercising a little again and hopefully this will improve my mood. I am only walking, the whole running thing might never be a reality for me now, but I managed thirty minutes pain free on Saturday, and that is the longest walk I have managed since October. If I can manage this every day and work my way up to one hour walking I am hopeful that I will see the scale start to move in the right direction again.

Also good news, I have a temporary fourth child this week as my close friend gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy last night and I am looking after her daughter while she is in hospital. Livvy is very easy to look after and we are enjoying having her, we are also very excited about the arrival of little Dorian, and looking forward to meeting him at the end of the week. Something about new babies always makes me smile :-)